


Hold Your Breath

by VengeanceAngel



Series: When I'm Silent [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Anal Sex, Basically the boys have a lot going on, Billy-centric, Brief description of suicide, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grayson-centric, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk about Racism, Very brief mention of AIDS/HIV, Violent, kyle-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-24 18:07:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22082206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VengeanceAngel/pseuds/VengeanceAngel
Summary: Billy, Kyle, and Grayson are trying to heal from the horrors they faced in Hawkins and they're fumbling through it. While they're trying to do better, Steve is just trying to survive. Now, as things become clear for all of them, action has to be taken even if it means risking everything.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/OMC, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Friendship - Relationship, Heartbreak - Relationship, Mentions of child abuse - Relationship, Not in this part, Steve Harrington/Neil Hargrove, Steve Harrington/OMCs, but in the overall series
Series: When I'm Silent [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1279997
Comments: 55
Kudos: 35





	1. January/February

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is! The first chapter of Part 2 of the series. I'm sorry I didn't post it sooner. Things have been chaotic. However, I feel good about writing again so here you go. Please mind the tags. Nothing is really too bad right now and I'll put notes on the chapters where there's a LOT of things that you need to be worried about. 
> 
> This part will make NO sense to you if you don't read Part 1.

Kyle sits up against the wall to look at his two roommates sleeping soundly. He likes living in the dorm room with Billy and Grayson and is getting used to how things have changed between the three of them. They’ve taken the three single beds in the huge as hell dorm room and tied the frames together with clothesline from the local hardware store. The mattresses are still on, but now they sleep together crosswise. It took some adjusting, but they end up with what feels like a huge bed. It takes up a lot of room but it’s worth it for the comfort of everyone involved. 

Having three people in one bed quickly became a necessity because someone was always in need of a little extra love and attention. Grayson and Billy both struggle with horrible nightmares that leave them shaking and sobbing. Grayson doesn’t remember his, which frustrates him and causes him to fold in on himself and start yanking at his hair while the tears fall freely. Billy is always the one to pry Grayson’s fingers loose and pull the boy close. Billy wipes his tears and kisses his forehead and reminds him that he’s not alone and he’s safe. Kyle scoots in behind Grayson and rubs his back, plays with his hair and presses his lips to his shoulder, not exactly kissing, but just allowing his warm breath to comfort him. Kyle always presses a pillow in front of him so he doesn’t embarrass himself by waking up with morning wood pressing into Grayson’s backside. 

When Billy has a nightmare, he remembers every detail and it takes him a moment to remember where he is. He usually falls off the bed trying to get away from the phantoms that follow him into wakefulness. Grayson and Kyle are helpless as Billy will scream and fight if one of them grab him too quickly. Grayson jumps up to get the wastebasket so Billy can retch into it if needed while Kyle carefully moves toward Billy, ready to grab him. When Billy _does_ make use of the basket, Kyle is able to press his hand between his shoulder blades while Grayson swipes his hair back. When Billy’s done, Grayson or Kyle will remove the basket and get some mouthwash and water for Billy, who hates having the taste in his mouth for long. 

Sometimes Billy will lean into Grayson’s touch and that’s when Kyle does the running around while Grayson pulls Billy up so he can hold him in his lap. Other times, Billy leans back into Kyle’s touch and Grayson is the one to take care of things. Whoever isn’t holding him is the one who uses a warm washcloth against Billy’s face until Billy falls asleep. Then the person who is free gets blankets and pillows for the three of them to bunk down on the floor. 

When Kyle gets a nightmare, he sits up quickly and gasps before a few tears leak out. When that happens, Billy walks with him down the hall to the student lounge. Grayson gets up and watches television since he doesn’t like sleeping alone. Sometimes he’ll fall asleep in front of the TV and other times he stays awake until they come back. If he’s asleep, they wake him up and pull him into bed with Billy in the middle, holding both of their hands in his. 

They help each other study, go to their meetings together, play basketball with Josh and the others. They’ve become closer and closer and they take turns going to each other’s homes for Sunday dinner. Tonight they’re at Matt’s house and Billy is currently at a table with the grandmother, lovingly called Mama J, as she talks about her days marching in the civil rights protests. She isn’t old by any stretch of the imagination, but the stories she tells feels like they’re antiquated instead of only a short couple of decades ago and Billy realizes just how fresh the fear is that he must have instilled in Lucas that night, the night Steve tried to keep the younger boy safe. 

Billy feels shame like never before and tearfully admits to the woman and her family what he did. She crosses her arms and looks down on him with pursed lips and a disapproving glare while the others at the table sit in silence. When he’s finished, she quirks an eyebrow. “Stupid, weren’t you?”

Josh covers his mouth to cover his snort while Grayson rolls his eyes at his cousin and Kyle watches the whole scene with his mouth hanging open. They’re surrounded by a whole family that could easily beat the racist right out of Billy and he’s not sure if he’s supposed to intervene or let Billy get his ass kicked. He honestly has no clue which option is in Billy’s best interest. 

But then the woman smirks as Billy answers. “Yes, ma’am. I suppose I am.”

“ _Were_. You _were_ stupid. Look, what you did to that child… that’s not right and he can hate you forever. You understand that? You scared him and being scared because of the color of your skin is more awful than you know. There isn’t anything to hide his skin and he learned what it was like to be hated for it. That’s a lesson that nobody deserves forgiveness for. Not even you, no matter how hard you work to be a good boy now.”

Billy starts to protest, to explain that he doesn’t hate Lucas and that he was only trying to protect his sister from Neil, but the woman holds up her hand and Billy quiets. 

“Billy, you’re a good man. I can tell it. I know your daddy hurt you and taught you things that were wrong. But being sorry now doesn’t erase what you did. When you cause harm to someone, apologies don’t mean shit. You keep doing right by people and maybe… just maybe… if you’re very lucky, your bad deeds won’t be the first thing they think of anymore when you walk into the room or your name is mentioned.”

Billy frowns. “Is that really the best I can hope for?”

She shakes her head. “It’s better than you even deserve. But you staying good and doing your best… well, those folks might show you some mercy. If they forgive you, it’s because of who _they_ are, not who _you_ become. You being good just gives them the room to decide if you’re worth the trouble.”

Billy takes a deep breath and sits with that for a long while. When they leave, he leans over and pulls Mama J into a hug and kisses her cheek. “You know… if you were younger….”

“And you were straighter….” Mama J winks.

Billy laughs and it feels good to be called out on his bullshit in a way that makes him feel a bit silly and a lot naïve. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

From that point on, Billy develops a new attitude about what he left behind at Hawkins. He calls Max every week and asks about the others. Sometimes she’ll be in a bad mood and tell him that she hates him and he tells her that it’s okay and he doesn’t deserve anything more from her and he doesn’t expect it, either. He lets her know that he’s working on being better, but that he will never fault her for being uncomfortable around her. He also tells her that it’s always her decision how much of her life he’s allowed into and that she is always welcome in his regardless. 

Grayson notices that Billy gets more and more tense after some of the more recent conversations. He sits down after grabbing Kyle to join them. “Hey Billy…. Um… you seem pretty wound up lately. What’s going on?”

Billy sighs and sits down with them. “I guess nobody has gotten any information on Steve. It’s… annoying.”

Kyle frowns. “Annoying?”

Billy shrugs. “Yeah, I mean… he went through all of this shit because of me and Mama J said that I don’t deserve shit from him and I know that, but I was kind of hoping to at least get the chance to show him that I’m changing a little. It’s not like it’ll change anything. I like…. I like who I’m becoming and I’m never giving that up. I guess being able to show him that people can change… I’d like to show him that… for him, not me. I’d like him to know that he was a part of that.” He sighs. “I guess I’d like to thank him. God, is that stupid?”

Grayson shakes his head. “No, not stupid. Maybe a bit unrealistic, though. I mean… with everything he’s gone through I’m not sure that he needs to know that _you_ benefited from it.”

Kyle sits back. “Babe, look… I get it. You want to give him a… a silver lining or something, but… I don’t think this is what he needs or wants.”

Billy glances between the two of them and nods. “Yeah… I guess you’re right.” Usually Billy will kick himself for days when he makes a mistake involving not thinking of others first, but today he smirks and shrugs. “I guess I have a lot more work to do, huh?”

Grayson grins. “We all do.”

The levity of the moment is broken by the phone ringing. Kyle stands. “I’ll get it.” 

Grayson and Billy get lost in the moment conversing about Steve and the fact that confidentiality laws are pissing Billy off when Kyle rejoins them. He’s paled and he glances nervously at both of them. “Hey so…” He puts a hand on Grayson’s shoulder. “Karen Wheeler agreed to plead guilty, but only if you and Billy show up for her to give a statement at her sentencing. Hopper said that the prosecutor agreed only if you two could talk, also. I guess there’s a whole list of people who are going to speak on her behalf and against her so… it’s up to you two, but…”

“I’ll do it.” Grayson bites his lower lip. “I may not remember all of it, but I know enough and she should know what she did… what she’s still doing to my life.” He looks over at Billy. “They still haven’t caught Neil. Do you think you can go back knowing that?”

It's a touchy subject. More and more has come out about Neil Hargrove, including the fact that he might have committed some sex crimes in the past. Hopper won't talk to Billy about most of it, but Billy figures that it must be bad enough that Neil actually left his whole family behind. 

Billy nods. “Look, my demon will most likely not be anywhere near Hawkins. But yours is and I really just want you to be okay. I’m going to go so that you know you have me by your side, alright?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah… yeah, okay…” He looks up at Kyle. “When is this?”

“We have a few months. It’s in May, right after finals. Hopper told them that it wasn’t okay for them to interrupt our classes and her attorney agreed so… I was thinking we go there and then take some time to go be college guys. Maybe Florida?” He smiles. 

Billy scoffs. “California is better.”

Kyle rolls his eyes. “Maybe, but you’ve been there. None of us have been to Florida so we’re going.”

Billy leans in and kisses Kyle softly. “Alright… twist my arm, why dontcha?”

Grayson groans. “Gross… I’m going out. I have to see _my_ therapist today. I swear to God, if it weren’t for the three of us, the shrinks in this area would have _no_ business.” He grabs his wallet and heads out. 

Billy turns back to Kyle. “So… we have an hour or two… any ideas how we can kill some time?”

Kyle grins. “I might have an idea or two.” He pulls Billy closer and kisses him lightly. “You’re beautiful, you know that? I remember when I first saw you. I thought you were such an asshole.”

“I _was_ such an asshole. Still am.” He gasps as Kyle nips at his lower lip and opens his mouth allowing Kyle to lick into it. Billy soon finds himself moaning in want. Kyle kisses like he makes love, thoroughly and with purpose. Billy wonders if he could come untouched just by Kyle kissing him. There’s no way to test it since Billy can only stand Kyle’s ministrations for so long before he has to act on his desires. Today is no different. “Let me… this time… let me…”

Kyle pulls back for a moment and then leans in again, this time to mouth at Billy’s neck and ear. “What is it, baby? What do you want?”

“I… I want to fuck you.” He gasps as Kyle’s teeth find his earlobe. 

Kyle almost purrs in pleasure. “It’s been awhile. You’re usually so greedy for my cock. You sure you want to switch things up?”

Billy nods. “Yeah… yes…. Please, Kyle. I like how it feels… so tight and hot and… please let me…”

Kyle nods and sucks the skin at Billy’s collarbone. “Sure, sweetheart. I’d like that.” 

Billy gets up and leads Kyle to the bed, pushing him down to sit on the edge. “I want to blow you first. Are you okay with that?”

Kyle leans back on his elbows and grins. “Yeah, I’m more than okay with that.” 

They struggle out of their clothes quickly, seemingly not able to move fast enough for either of their likings. By the time they’re naked, both are painfully hard in anticipation of what’s to come. Kyle grabs the lube from the dresser and pushes Billy down on his back. Billy smiles. “I thought I was in charge here.”

Kyle lifts an eyebrow. “Uh…doesn’t matter if I’m giving or taking, I’m always calling the shots.” He winks when Billy laughs. “Now, trust me, alright? We’re both going to enjoy this.” He squirts a generous amount of lube on Billy’s fingers and then straddles him so his cock is positioned over Billy’s lips. “Open me up, baby. Suck me down and open me up.”

Billy pants with pleasure and opens his mouth, reaching his tongue up to lick at the slit that’s already wet. The broken groan that’s ripped from Kyle’s throat causes Billy’s own cock to jump and he barely has time to register that before Kyle swallows him whole. 

Billy whimpers in pleasure and then circles a finger around Kyle’s hole gently, only breeching him when he’s certain that Kyle’s ready for it. He opens his mouth and starts sucking Kyle off, his tongue swirling around the girth of him and sometimes pressing hard against the sensitive spot right underneath the head, the spot that makes Kyle squirm above him and take his mouth off of him just to pull in a breath of air. 

Billy adds another finger and begins to scissor them, opening up his lover a bit more. He feels Kyle’s hot breath against him before he takes him into his mouth again, building up a rhythm that’s clearly meant to hurry Billy along so he doesn’t come in his mouth. As Billy pushes the third finger in, he starts to thrust harder, reaching around to find that special bundle of nerves that Kyle taught him about. He knows when he finds it because Kyle bucks forward, his mouth coming off of Billy as he chokes air into his lungs. 

Billy sucks Kyle a little harder and soon Kyle is thrusting into Billy’s mouth and using him while also trying to thrust back on Billy’s fingers. He starts to whimper and beg. “Billy… God, Billy please… please I’m ready… Baby, please fuck me. Please….” 

Billy can hardly stand it. Kyle rarely lets himself get out of control, but today appears to be special and he gets to see Kyle come apart a bit. He pulls off of Kyle’s dick long enough to tell him he has to come before he gets fucked. Kyle groans as he thrusts harder to get the friction in his ass and on his cock. Billy relaxes his throat as Kyle’s thrusts get deeper. Billy reaches up and strokes Kyle’s hip lovingly and that finally sends him over the edge. Billy keeps thrusting his fingers into his lover, making sure to swallow down everything he gives him. He pulls his fingers out and gently pushes Kyle forward before moving out from under him. 

“Okay, baby, I’m right here. Just breathe…” He rubs a hand up and down Kyle’s spine while he tears open the condom with his teeth. They hadn’t worn condoms for a long time, but then there was all this talk about disease and nobody was able to clarify where it comes from. Billy personally thinks that it’s all a bunch of anti-gay propaganda and that people who are only with each other and are safe generally are okay, but Kyle keeps getting pulled in to the conspiracy theories that it can just manifest in someone because they’re gay. Billy’s pretty sure that’s just the bullshit left over from his time in the center, but he’s not going to deny him the chance to feel safe. He slides the condom on and squeezes himself at the base before lining up. 

Kyle starts to push back a bit. “Come on, stud… see if you’re man enough to make me come again.”

Billy rolls his eyes since Kyle has clearly remembered that he is always in charge. “Yes, dear…” He pushes in slowly, but smoothly and Kyle doesn’t let him control the entire slide because he’s soon pushing back hard and taking Billy in the rest of the way. Billy grips Kyle’s hips, but then Kyle’s moving, getting up on his knees, arching his back, and laying his head on Billy’s shoulder. Billy never ceases to be caught up in Kyle’s beauty and versatility. He wants to fall in love with him harder than he ever thought possible. He wants to make him his and his alone. He reaches one hand around to stroke down Kyle’s side, his chest, his hip. The other reaches around to start stroking him back to fullness. 

Kyle moves forward a bit to deepen the angle, relying on Billy’s strength to keep him up. “Just like that, sweetheart. You’re so good for me. Hitting all the right spots, aren’t you? You gonna make me come again? You gonna show me you _can_?”

Billy groans in want and slams his hips forward, punching the air right out of Kyle’s chest. It’s one of the few ways Billy can get the other boy to shut up when he’s all power hungry and demanding. Billy loves it, though. “I know I can…. Can _you_? You able to keep up, big boy?” The growl that Kyle rewards him with is worth the teasing and Billy pushes Kyle down so he can slam in harder and deeper. He keeps a tight grip on Kyle’s cock and can tell when it starts twitching, building up to a climax. “Come for me, Kyle. Show me… show me how good I’ve been…”

That’s enough for Kyle. Billy loves to take the control from him and then hand it right back. It causes Kyle to curse as he covers Billy’s hand in warmth. Billy moves his hands to Kyle’s hips and thrusts one, two, three times before he’s climaxing. He gasps out his release and then rubs a hand up and down Kyle’s side. “You ready for me to pull out?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah… and get a washcloth, will you? You made a mess.” 

Billy chuckles and slaps Kyle’s ass lightly as he pulls out, tying off the condom and throwing it out before getting a washcloth. He comes back in a bit and makes a show of wiping himself off before throwing the cloth right at Kyle’s face. 

Kyle grimaces at him. “You’re such an asshole.” 

Billy starts pulling off the sheets. “You love me.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah….” Kyle cleans himself up and then helps Billy with the bed. Once they finish, he turns toward Billy. “You ever sad about that?” 

Billy frowns. “About what?”

“You know….about you and me?” He frowns and looks away. 

Billy sighs. It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation and Billy aches with the fact that Kyle struggles with guilt. He pulls Kyle into his arms. “I told you… I get it. Our relationship isn’t… typical.” He sits on the bed and helps Kyle to sit next to him. “I love you. You’re my boyfriend and my confidante and you’re everything I want in a best friend…. With benefits. And Grayson… he’s everything to me. I’d die for that guy and you know it. He’s like my best friend and brother and it’s all rolled up into one. Both of you… you’re my family.”

Kyle turns and places his hands on Billy’s cheeks. He gazes at him with an adoration that still makes Billy uncomfortable sometimes. “Billy… you deserve so much more than to be a stand in for-“

“Whoa… hold up. You know that’s not what this is. Maybe at first, but you care about me for your own reasons now. You don’t…” He sighs. “I mean I _am_ the one who propositioned _you_ , remember?”

“Yeah, but you were new to all of this and you wanted someone to take care of you and teach you things and show you how to… how to _be_ with a man. I took… I took advantage.”

Billy stands up. “Stop, okay? I’m not some fragile flower.”

Kyle follows him. “No, I know that, but you act as if I didn’t…” He frowns. “Billy, you asked me to be with you and I told you no.”

“You changed your mind!” Billy pulls his clothes on. They haven’t had this conversation since before Christmas and everything that happened in Hawkins has clearly frayed his self-control and he doesn’t think that he can talk about this particular problem of theirs at the moment. 

“No, I found a reason to use you. I made you… you know….” Kyle tries to touch Billy, to calm him. “I forced you into this.”

Billy pulls away. “You _didn’t!_ Why do you _always_ bring this up? It was a long time ago. I could have said no. I could have denied you _all_ of this. So _what?_ So _what_ if you used me to stay close to Grayson? So _what_ if you only agreed because helping me meant you were working with _him?_ Seriously, I _know…_ I _know_ you were in love with him and I _know_ he shot you down and I know fucking _me_ is the closest you ever got to fucking _him_ and I _know_ , okay? God, you think I don’t know that you imagined that it was _him_ at first?”

“That’s not fair, Billy. I was with _you_ in the bedroom. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

 _”Bullshit.”_ He says it so softly and yet it’s as if it’s a scream in the now silent room. 

“Billy… what the hell….”

Billy shakes his head. “You sat in that meeting and I listened to you talk about your alma mater and how people at church talked about you being gay and how it ruined things for you and how everyone turned their backs on you and… and I actually connected with that, you know? And it was all a lie. You _lied_ about all of it.”

“My _real_ story was a hell of a lot worse, don’t you agree? My… lie was an incredibly watered down version of what actually happened. I didn’t lie to _you_!”

Billy scoffs. “We were together _how long_ before you finally told me the truth!? I don’t care that you didn’t tell me. I don’t care about that part of it. I care about the fact that you hid it _and_ you claim to be honest all the time. Just be _actually_ honest and tell me that sometimes you’re going to be full of shit. _That_ …. That I can believe.” He stops moving for a moment, clearly trying to hold himself together. 

“Billy, please…we were having fun.”

“Yeah, we were having fun… and then you fuck it all up by acting like you forced me into this relationship. I asked you to _teach_ me things. And you did. You _do_. And yeah… yeah, I have feelings for you, but they’re not… I mean I would never let them get that far because I know that we both have a lot of shit we’re going through. You thought I could hurt you… break your heart if you got feelings for me and I walked away, but you won’t. You won’t because you’re still healing from that rejection from _him_ and I _knew_ that before this started. I didn’t go in blind, alright? And our relationship has grown and we’re....” He looks up at Kyle’s guilt-stricken face and understanding dawns on him. “Oh… Oh our relationship _did_ change. And then Grayson got hurt and… and you’re bringing this up again because….” His nostrils flare, but not in anger. He bites down on his lower lip as he feels the sting behind his eyes. “Oh my God….” 

Kyle reaches for him. “Billy, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean for this to happen….”

Billy flinches away from him. “It’s not about me anymore. _Fucking me_ isn’t about me anymore. I knew it wasn’t in the beginning, but it changed… I _felt_ it change. You were… you were with _me_. But it’s changed again. Now you’re with _him_ again. You see _him_ when you’re fucking me. You’re… You’re kissing _him_ when…. When…. And when you’re comforting me? When I wake up screaming? Do you see him _then_? Is that why you’re so careful?”

“No! Billy, no…. No, you mean everything to me. You’re one of the only people that I trust enough to-“

“Shut up….” He whispers his plea and backs away. “Please stop. I need you to leave. Just go for a walk. Meet Grayson at his appointment, take him out to eat. Anything. I just need a few hours to myself.”  


“I don’t want to do that. I want to talk this through and-“

“You know what, Kyle? I don’t _care_ what you want right now. You _owe_ me this. Go. Leave me alone for right now. We can always… figure things out later. And don’t… don’t talk to Grayson about this. He’s going through enough.”

He turns away and listens to Kyle get his clothes on. When the door closes softly, he turns to look at the empty room. He presses his palms to his hands and shudders out a sob that he’s been holding in since he realized that Kyle really had been using Billy as a stand in again. Billy feels so stupid for letting himself forget that, but after so long of it not being an issue, Billy let his guard down. The truth is, he _had_ developed stronger feelings for Kyle. Before the Christmas trip, he had been fooling around with the idea of allowing himself to fall in love. It would have been so easy. It was there the whole time, but Billy’s willpower kept it at bay. All he had to do with breathe it in and it would have been his. 

Now, he’s grateful that he kept that last little bit of armor in place. He gasps as another sob is ripped from his chest and he looks in the mirror. “No… No, you don’t get to do that. He warned you and you didn't listen. You don’t get to _feel_ that. You deserve this. You deserve _more_ than this for what you’ve done to other people. And you’ll suffer through it alone because that’s… that’s fair.” He wipes his tears and starts packing his things.


	2. Kyle and Grayson - Flashbacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I deeply apologize for the complete POS that I posted when I posted this chapter the other night. God, I must have been half asleep because I read it in the light of day and was absolutely humiliated. Anyway, I've re-written this chapter. So... please enjoy this. It's a Billy-centric story but I wanted to flesh out the other characters a bit since they are who Billy will bounce off of as he develops. 
> 
> A look into the past in order to find out why Kyle and Grayson aren't together when they seem to care for each other so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is strongly focused on Kyle and Grayson and their relationship as well as their outside observations of what happened in Part I. Hopefully it isn't too awful. I know that not everyone cares about original characters and I am perfectly okay if you don't want to read this but I promise it will help to understand some things later. I promise to post in the summary when it's more Billy-centric again so if someone doesn't want to read any of this stuff, that's fine. This SHOULD answer the question of why Kyle and Grayson aren't together.
> 
> TW: Grayson talks about what it was like to find his brother after the suicide (briefly)
> 
> TW: Kyle has some dark thoughts (also very brief)

Kyle stares down at the paperwork with his dorm and class information for the summer and fall semesters. He bites down on his lower lip, still not believing that, with everything that he’s run from, with everything that he’s survived… that he still has an honest shot at making a decent life for himself. He knows this feeling. It’s hope. 

Any hope he had before was strangled with the facts of his existence. His parents only wanted him until they found out he wants to be with other men. And their acceptance of him was conditional upon his successful torture at the hands of people claiming to be doing God’s work. This, though, is definitely hope. This is _his_ and nobody gets to take it from him. He sits down on the curb, presses the now crumpled papers to his face, and sobs brokenly. 

He thinks of the things he did to get to this point and how far he’d been willing to go if an opportunity hadn’t presented itself soon. He doesn’t notice when someone comes up behind him and, when a hand rests on his shoulder, he jumps. His first thought is that his parents have found him and they’re here to drag him back to be mounted by some perverse woman while people watched him and-

He’s yanked from his thoughts at the sight of a guy who is clearly Kyle’s age. The man’s hands are up and he seems to be dealing with guilt from causing someone such distress. Kyle recognizes this and pulls his reactions back to reasonable levels, refusing to give any indication of the pain he’s facing. He clears his throat and wipes at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. “Oh… uh… sorry.” He stands up. 

The guy shakes his head. “No problem, man. Just checking to see if you’re alright.” He gestures to the paper. “You starting up this year, too?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah…. Yeah, I guess I am.” He hands the paper over when the guy opens his hand out, eyebrows raised in question. 

He straightens it, looks it over and then smiles. “Hey, you have early dorm claim just like me. I have my room already. It’s a great location and they’re private rooms for the most part. Usually they’re claimed by people who plan on not being there often or just by single tenants.”

Kyle thinks about it and considers how nice it would be to have more time alone, without anyone else’s eyes on him. “That… that might be good. You mind taking me there?”

“Nah, I don’t mind. We can be hall mates.” He holds out his hand. “I’m Jacob.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

It’s Jacob who introduces Kyle to the support group in the back of the small store. Jacob is rarely there as his solution to feeling out of sorts sexually is to find someone to enjoy some sexual shenanigans with. Kyle learns quickly that Jacob is a very confident person ad does not feel the need to sit around and talk about how great his life is just to everyone can look at him like he’s the Holy Grail of gay life. Still, he stays. Kyle is grateful and it takes about three meetings before he’s comfortable going alone. With four meetings weekly, Kyle enjoys spending all of his time there. It gives him something to do. While living alone had some perks, he’s beginning to feel caged in his dorm and the meetings give him back some semblance of freedom. 

Kyle gets to know people quickly and begins opening up about his thoughts and feelings. Never his actual life, though. He uses cleverly disguised situations to explain his real feelings or knowledge. It is difficult at first as he doesn’t always keep the best track of his lies, but soon he creates his own fantasy world and takes time to craft who he is in this fake existence. After that, it becomes easier. He tells everyone that he is from a very conservative family, which is true. He says that they sent him to a Christian camp, which is only partly true. The camp was hell, but the people were convinced they were good Christians. He says the camp had no affect and that he tried to go back to his parents only to be rejected. After spending some time with friends exploring the great outdoors and getting some high school teacher to help him apply for colleges, he ended up here. But truthfully, Kyle knows that _he_ is the one who rejected his parents. He knows he deserves to be loved unconditionally and if they can’t do it, to hell with them. 

The high school teacher was actually a janitor who had smuggled his records to him in order for him to get a degree from another school that didn’t ask nearly as many questions as they should have about a boy transferring to their school without a word about his parents or his home address. It took very little time for him, degree in hand, to find a college to eagerly accept him and his incredible grades into a program. The friends were fellow homeless teens and the outrageous camping trips were actually tents in wooded areas, mattresses in abandoned warehouses, and floors of people who were too naïve to buy a good lock for their homes. The hand jobs were only the few times he didn’t think he could survive otherwise. He never allowed himself to drop to his knees. He had a sick feeling that if he did, he’d never get up. A glance around at some of the scrawny teens who were used beyond redemption reminded him that it would take so little to put him on a slippery slope he would never escape.

So it is with this grand story, he gets to know the others who look for solace in the back of a coffee shop. Before long, he is considered somewhat of a silent leader among the regulars. He’s got a quiet strength and he’s quick to walk over to someone who is struggling to share. People know to move so he can sit next to the person to give them gentle comfort by presence, if not by actual touch. He becomes loved and accepted and once in awhile he is the one comforted. It’s rare, though. He doesn’t let people get close enough to him to cause his house of fabricated lies to come crashing down. 

A month later, with his role in the group cemented, things change. Kyle has been going through the motions during the meetings. He loves everyone there, but he also doesn’t feel connected since he’s hiding so much of himself from everyone else. He still has nightmares of what was done to him… of what he was forced to do. He’s tried more than a few times to touch himself since those days, but he can’t. He ends up sitting in a corner with his knees tucked to his chest, his breathing shallow as sobs attempt to rip out of his throat, only giving way to a whimper. He’s learned to hide his life so well that he now has it safely hidden from himself. When he thinks about any of it, it’s as if it’s all happening to another person. Then it doesn’t hurt anymore and he’s more than happy to continue the lie. But that means no more touching himself, guaranteeing the illusion won’t crumble to dust around him. 

Tonight is different and he will look back and wonder if he should have known. The wind has turned soft and warm, carrying the scent of summer flowers and chlorine from nearby pools. It’s June and while people have been steadily coming, there are more enticing activities to take part in. So there’s only a total of 15 people in this meeting as opposed to the 30 or more who will come once the fall semester starts. 

Kyle has summer courses, though, so his activities are limited to meetings, reading in the library and trying to forget that the only thing waiting for him at the end of the day is a dark and lonely room. He is trying to do odd jobs in the neighborhood surrounding campus, but he’s only managed to save up for a sheet set so he isn’t stuck sleeping on a bare mattress anymore. Jacob hasn’t asked any questions, but Kyle knows that he’s not an idiot. The welcome package full of toiletries and a gift certificate to one of the local department stores helped him to look like less of a bum and more of a slightly grungy college freshman. 

Tonight, Kyle has his nose buried in one of this textbooks, using the back room for air conditioning instead of conversation and support. And that’s when he hears the new voice. He will always wonder if Grayson was just one more thing brought to Kyle’s attention by the hot summer breezes. The room feels way too hot and muggy when he looks up to see the man belonging to the voice that got his attention. He lets out a breath of air through slightly open lips. Grayson, he says in his introduction, is tall and gorgeous with thick dark hair and expressive eyes. He’s nervous in an endearing sort of way, his hands constantly moving and trying to find something to fidget with, finally coming to rest on the hem of his shirt. As he twists and untwists the fabric, Kyle makes himself a promise to introduce himself properly after the meeting. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson’s nerves are shot. He was so happy to get away and stay with Josh this summer after everything that happened in his family, but Josh was just one more person who didn’t really know everything about Morgan. Grayson feels as if the only people who have ever really known the whole truth is Morgan and him. Sometimes Grayson is jealous that Morgan is dead and no longer has the burden of lying to the people he loves. 

So he keeps his pain inside of him, where it has always been when it comes to Morgan. He feels tremendous guilt over depriving his parents of the one son who could have given them a normal life, who could have brought home a girl from college, proposed so his parents could cry at a wedding and one day hold a grandchild, and watch as someone carried on his father’s name. Grayson started calling himself homophobic slurs almost immediately in self-hatred. And it’s for that reason that he will never allow himself the happiness that Morgan will never have. He knows if he would have helped his brother in time or kept his promise to keep his secrets, maybe he could look his parents in the eyes again. But they will never recover and he has enough self-preservation to refuse to stick around to see them wither up without Morgan around to make life worth living. 

So he runs off to stay with Josh, who loves him and accepts him. Sometimes he feels guilty for having even that small measure of comfort. He’s willing to have friends, also, but it’s difficult. So when Josh mentions that a coworker mentioned a group she belongs to, he decides he has very little to lose by checking it out. Although Josh seems to think that this is a good chance for Grayson to meet that “special someone,” Grayson is just looking for a place where nobody knows that he used to have a brother.

So now he’s sitting here and listening to the group rules and feeling more relaxed, until everyone is invited to introduce themselves. The leader says that nobody has to do so, but he feels obligated since he’s here. A quick glance around the room as he clears his throat tells him that not everyone is staring at him. One guy is even reading a book and paying no mind to the meeting at all. With that thought keeping him grounded, he stands and introduces himself, stumbling over his words. 

“I’m Grayson. I’m… um… I like guys and…” He doesn’t see the guy from earlier put the book down and look up at him. Grayson’s eyes are either on the leader or the floor, most often the latter. Nobody calls him out on his shyness and he’s grateful. He takes a deep breath to organize his words. “Sorry, I’m nervous. I just… I’m here and I’m… I’m kind of alone. I heard about this place and I thought…” He shrugs a shoulder. “I thought it might be nice to feel not so alone anymore.” He sits down and lowers his head. He wonders if there _is_ anything he can feel other than alone now that his brother is dead. The vision of Morgan’s bloated face, of the weight of him as Grayson cuts him down, of the screams that eventually went hoarse when Grayson could no longer breathe past his grief… it all hits him and he puts his hand to his mouth to stifle a sob. 

As the person who is sitting next to him gets up and leaves, he feels a wave of humiliation roll over him, but then someone else sits down and Grayson looks up and freezes. He’s not sure if it’s the eyes or the kind smile on the other man’s face, but something about him causes a calm to descend on Grayson and he’s not sure if he’s grateful or terrified of the power this man seems to wield. His eyes dart down as his tongue wets his lips and that’s when he notices that the man’s hand is face up on his own leg. Grayson knows it’s an invitation so he smiles softy as the meeting continues around them, but none of that seems to matter at the moment. 

He places his hand down into the awaiting open palm. “Grayson…”

The other man’s smiles widens and Grayson is certain that it’s brighter than the summer sun. “Kyle…”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle and Grayson may have known each other for years with the way they act around each other. They click instantly and although they are both hiding secrets, neither recognize the patterns in the other that would reveal they struggle with the truth in the same ways. The two become inseparable and Grayson doesn’t hide how dreary he thinks Kyle’s dorm room is and proves it by dragging him out to thrift stores to decorate, only to force Kyle to stay with him at Josh’s most nights. Sometimes they’ll fall asleep at Kyle’s while they talk about everything and nothing. As nice as it is, neither boy feels able to open up the Pandora’s Box that is their survival stories. 

Long talks become whispered conversations in the dark and soon there is the intense closeness of comfortable silences. When their eyes meet for too long, they gravitate closer and soon their lips are only a moment away from joining in a kiss. Each time, something stops it. Maybe Kyle’s flashbacks or Grayson’s guilt, but nobody questions it and each is grateful that the other one stopped it. Soon, they find themselves waking up wrapped in the other’s arms and people who know them begin to think they are only delaying the inevitable. 

Kyle and Grayson each know they’ve never felt this way about anyone else and Kyle, eager to erase the pain of his own past, clings to Grayson’s treatment of him like a life raft and starts to believe that maybe someone really can love him for who he is. Grayson, too, basks in the attention that Kyle gives him. It’s so difficult to believe that he deserves anything good, but this… this is something that Grayson thinks he can give himself. He might forgive himself if only to have Kyle as his for only one night. 

They come close so many times. There are moments where they look into each other’s eyes and move closer to fulfilling their fantasies only to have someone interrupt their intimate interaction. One evening, they walk home from a meeting and the sky opens up. Becoming drenched quickly, they start to run. Neither is sure who gripped whose hand first, but soon they’re hand in hand and laughing at the mess they’re becoming. They don’t stop until they’re on Josh’s porch. The laughter stops and Kyle’s hands are gripping Grayson’s wet hair, pulling him closer as he whispers in his ear how much he wants him. How much he needs him. Grayson shivers as the hot breath caresses his skin. Grayson pushes against Kyle and soon Kyle is moaning as he feels the other man’s arousal against his thigh. Another push and Grayson is trying to pull Kyle inside the house and to his room to finally end the torture they’ve been putting themselves through at the merciless demands of their own inner demons. 

Grayson grinds up against him and licks at Kyle’s ear before placing a kiss at the corner of his mouth. Then he moves to kiss him, finally, breathing the same breath as the other. As he leans in, the stairway light goes on and they jump apart, both still breathing heavily. Kyle manages to calm down and smiles when Josh’s wife comes downstairs and insists the Kyle stay the night. He’s hopeful once more until she gives Kyle blankets and pillows for the couch bed and Grayson bids goodnight and heads upstairs. 

Two nights later and Kyle is back at the house and has again been invited to stay, but this time everyone is going to bed and leaving Kyle and Grayson alone for once. Kyle tips his beer at Josh as the other man says goodnight to them both. Kyle and Grayson can both feel that something is going to change tonight. The last couple of months have definitely opened their eyes up to the fact they’re moving quickly toward another step in their relationship. Kyle leans back on the couch and crosses his legs, his ankle resting comfortably on his knee. He looks over at Grayson, who is staring at the television. “It’s a commercial, Gray…. You _that_ interested in gas relief?”

Grayson grins and looks over at Kyle. “You’re so stupid.”

Kyle shrugs a shoulder. “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

“Oh my God, you’re ridiculous.” He shoves at Kyle’s shoulder, laughing. That laughter stops abruptly as Kyle grabs his wrist as he turns toward him. Grayson feels himself getting lost in Kyle’s eyes, much like the first time he saw him. But this time Kyle isn’t smiling. This time he’s parting his lips in invitation and Grayson’s gaze flicks quickly down before going back to his eyes. “Kyle…”

Kyle leans in, placing his beer on the table, and pulling Grayson closer. But he doesn’t kiss him, he brushes his cheek against Grayson’s jaw and whispers. “I’m so worried I’m going to scare you away.”

Grayson breath hitches and he turns slightly toward him. “You won’t.”

Kyle turns then and his lips are almost touching Grayson’s. “Promise me… promise me you won’t ever hate me. I won’t be able to stand it. God, Grayson… I think you might kill me if you do.”

It turns out that Kyle manages to unlock the one thought that can end it all for both of them.

Grayson freezes. He knows what kills people. _He_ kills people and it’s why he can’t be with anyone. He can’t love anyone or take any chances that he’ll fall in love or worse, that someone will fall in love with him. His only thought is to protect Kyle, no matter how much he might hate him for it. But he’s willing to deal with that. He won’t lose anyone else. Kyle will trust him and Grayson will keep secrets that he shouldn’t and somehow, it will cause Kyle the type of pain that he caused Morgan. 

Kyle isn’t sure how he’s about to kiss one of the most beautiful men he’s ever seen one second and sitting alone on the couch the next. But he stares up at Grayson who looks as if he’s about to fly into a rage. “Gray?” He stands up and reaches for him, worried as the other boy flinches away. “Grayson, look at me.”

Grayson takes a shuddering breath and refuses to look at Kyle. “You need to leave.”

Kyle takes a step back. “What?”

“Leave… please get out of here. I can’t do this. Not with you. Not with _anyone_ … ever. I’ll never be with anyone. I’m so sorry… I just… can’t do this with you.” He wraps his arms around himself. 

“Do… do _what_? I don’t even know what the hell happened!” Kyle reaches for him again. 

“Don’t _touch_ me!” He backs away. “Please… please Kyle… I need you to go…”

Kyle follows as Grayson backs away. “Grayson, talk to me!” He reaches out again, but the lights go on and Josh is standing on the landing of the stairs. 

“Kyle… I think Grayson asked you to leave.”

Kyle looks up at Josh and sees how angry the older boy is. He doesn’t register that Josh’s gaze is fixed on Grayson and not Kyle. “Yeah…. Yeah, sorry…” He heads for the door and looks up at Josh. “I didn’t… I mean I’d never hurt him.”

Josh finally looks toward Kyle and nods. “I know that. I think he’s got some things he needs to work out, though, and I don’t think you being here is helping. I really am sorry, Kyle.”

“Yeah… me, too.” Kyle walks out and looks back at the door as Josh locks it behind him. He heads back to his dorm, the evening ending in a much different way than he thought it would. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Josh turns and looks over at Grayson. “You okay?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah… yeah… sorry if I woke you up.”

Josh walks over and stays silent for a moment before he knows that he has to speak up. “Grayson… Kyle’s a good guy.”

Grayson finally looks up at Josh. “What? Yeah, I mean… that’s the problem. Look, you don’t get it. Just stay out of it, alright?”

“Why the hell would I stay out of it?” He turns off the television and starts folding a couple of the blankets that were tossed around during the evening. “You’re my cousin and I love you and I don’t get why you won’t let yourself be happy.” 

“You know why not. Morgan’s gone and-“

“And what? You don’t get to be happy? Come on. Morgan would _want_ you to be happy.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Maybe _you_ just don’t know your brother as well as you think you do! If you’re going to deny yourself happiness just because your brother is dead then maybe you _never_ knew him! You really think you’re the only one who feels like shit because he’s not here anymore? You don’t think I want him to see my kids grow up one day? But he won’t. And he would never want us to stop living because he did.”

Grayson stares at him and his lower lip trembles. “You don’t… you don’t get it and you’re right… I didn’t know him. I didn’t know him well enough and now… now he’s gone and…” He starts to sob. “I didn’t know him at all.” 

Josh takes a deep breath. “Shit…” He wraps his baby cousin up in a hug. “Dammit, sometimes I’m so mad at him for leaving you behind. For leaving all of us. I know it’s not his fault, but it’s so unfair.”

Grayson allows himself to be comforted and led to bed. He lets himself be tucked into the guest bed that he’s been in for months. And when Josh gets up in the morning to find the bed made and his cousin long gone, he calls a distraught and guilt ridden Kyle to tell him it’s not his fault. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson is grateful to be heading back to campus after a month away. He had found some people to sneak some of his things and his brother’s things out of his parents’ house and then crashed on some couches around town until he finally found some friends who were going on a bit of a road trip for the rest of the summer. 

Now he’s on a bus and he’s trying to figure out what he’s going to do and say when he sees Kyle and Josh again. He’s lost in his thoughts when he finally sees him. The guy looks like a badass on the surface, but Grayson can see the pain beneath the steel exterior. And when they get to the station, he can’t help but admire the way he looks when he stretches to get his bag. The guilt is on him in a heartbeat, but not because of Morgan. This guilt comes in the form of infidelity and he’s not sure he has the right to take pleasure in looking at anyone who isn’t Kyle. 

So as he settles to wait and then makes conversation with the cute guy, whose name happens to be Billy, he feels a bit more confident about going back to campus. And he finds it funny when Billy is surprised to find out they’re roommates, clearly not realizing that Grayson requested the match up when his new friend wasn’t listening. But he has a good feeling about this kid. He seems like he needs a friend and Grayson knows he needs one, too, if only to distract him from looking for Kyle around every corner.

But things go to shit rather quickly and he ends up going to the dining hall without his asshole of a roommate who just told him to mind his own fucking business when he was just trying to make small talk. Of course, Grayson reminds himself that this guy needs a friend and if he is willing to give up so easily, then he’s not doing what he can to make amends for what happened to Morgan. So he lies to the dining hall about his incredibly ill roommate and brings back food. It seems to be a good peace offering and Billy reciprocates by showing him pictures. One of them makes his stomach flip. Billy says the boy’s name is Steve Harrington and he’s not sure why there’s something slightly familiar about him. He saves the thought for another day and helps Billy set up their room, convinced that meeting Billy Hargrove is going to change his life one way or another. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson heads to Josh’s house the first chance he gets and sees his bags on the porch. He waits until Josh comes out. “Hey… miss me?”

Josh grabs him up in a hug and squeezes him tight. “Oh God, Grayson!” He holds him back at arm’s length and looks him over. “Are you alright?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah… yeah, I’m okay.”

Josh’s gaze hardens and he punches Grayson’s arm hard. “You son of a bitch!”

“Ow!” He rubs at his arm. “Okay okay… I deserve that. I should have checked in. I didn’t know you loved me so much.” He tries to make a joke, but it falls flat. 

“Fuck you, Grayson. After Morgan… leaving without a word… are you serious?” 

Grayson frowns, ashamed. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t think of that. Josh…”

Josh holds his hand up. “Don’t. Look, we both know that I love you and I’ll be fine. But shit, Grayson… you fucked up Kyle good. I thought you were friends. Hell, I thought you were _more_ than friends. You know how many times I had to tell him you still weren’t here before he figured you were gone for good? And he started thinking I was purposely hiding you from him because you wanted to escape him. He beat himself up over that night no matter how many times I tried to convince him that it wasn’t his fault.”

“It had nothing to do with him. It was me. I just… I flipped out and he didn’t do anything to deserve it.” He sighs and studies Josh for a bit before his eyes go back to the bags. “Leaving?”

Josh nods. “Not for long. Should be back in a few weeks.”

Grayson stares at a spot of dirt on the toe of his shoe and doesn’t last long before he has to ask. “So… how’s Kyle _now?_ ”

Josh shrugs. “No clue. He stopped calling. I guess he gave up. I don’t blame him. You really fucked this up. If I didn’t think it would hurt him more, I’d tell you to find him and apologize. But for real… what you did… I think seeing you would only cause him pain, you know?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, well… not surprised at that.” He hugs him again. “I gotta go. I’m settled into my dorm. I’ll check in soon, okay?”

Josh pulls him into a tight hug. “You better, shithead.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The next time Grayson sees his cousin is when he’s with Billy. Everything goes wrong and Grayson finds out that Billy is not only racist, but a homophobe. His hand stings as he walks away from where he just punched Billy square in the nose. And that’s how he ends up going back to the support meetings. He has a feeling that Billy is hiding something from himself and he wants to help. He knows he should sit with Billy and talk to him, maybe ask him more about his sexuality, but he is too blinded by the fear of seeing Kyle… by the fear of _not_ seeing Kyle.

He wants to see him and maybe ease the ache in his heart… maybe ease the ache in Kyle’s heart, too, if it hasn’t already been replaced by bitter hatred toward him. He can’t blame him if it has. So he talks Billy into going and, as he leads him into the back room, he immediately sees Kyle and his breath catches. He wants to run over and finally kiss him breathless, but he knows he can’t. And he vows to not hurt the other boy that way ever again. Instead, he turns his focus to Billy. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle looks up from his book as everyone yells Grayson’s name and his heart shatters. His expectation at seeing the other boy is tempered when he sees that he’s brought a friend. Kyle frowns. Maybe more than a friend? No, Grayson has made it quite clear that he’s not willing to be with him or anyone so he’s hoping that it wasn’t a lie just to get Kyle to back off. He’s willing to give Grayson the benefit of the doubt, but he’s not sure why. After a lot of drinking and some self-pity, he is hoping that Grayson will at least allow them to go back to being friends. He knows it’s stupid. He knows it’s pathetic. But he just doesn’t want to be alone. The last month has been hell and he almost made a bad choice while sitting out on the old railroad bridge down by the park. Staring into that dark water, he felt more alone than ever before and it had been so close. But then he decided that maybe he didn’t have to be dead to be numb to all of it. 

He hasn’t been anyone’s strong support lately and he’s shunned the people who have tried to get close to him. He shared a story last time just to help everyone feel that he was still part of their group, but most of the time he really wants the world to swallow him up. On second thought, maybe he doesn’t want to be friends with Grayson at all.

So he stays in his seat, despite people greeting Grayson and his friend. He doesn’t even look at Grayson. In fact, when he looks anywhere near him, he is actually looking at the guy who he brought with him. And that’s how he sees it the moment the boy starts to panic. In the oddest moment of déjà vu, Kyle puts his book down and walks over slowly, not sure if he can help with Grayson so close. 

Grayson’s eyes widen as Billy start to freak out. He leans forward. “Billy… Billy I need you to breathe! You need to listen to me, okay? Just breathe… Billy, you’re holding your breath… you’re going to pass out. Please…”

Kyle frowns at how much concern is in Grayson’s voice at first, but he pushes those thoughts aside quickly when he sees the other boy is crying. He reaches out, but Grayson stops him. 

“Whoa… hey, just be careful, okay? He lashes out sometimes. I’m not even sure _I_ should touch him.” 

Kyle thinks it’s humorous that _now_ Grayson cares about him getting hurt. He thinks he sees a bit of regret in Grayson’s gaze, but Kyle doesn’t have the time or the inclination to deal with it. He thinks on the situation and then tells Grayson to try and touch Billy. “Go ahead and try and if he goes to hit you, I’ll hold him, okay?” Kyle squats down in front of the boy as Grayson puts his hand on the boy’s back. “Grayson, what’s his name?”

Grayson frowns. He knows he deserves it, but Kyle’s matter-of-fact attitude with him when they had meant so much to each other not only a couple of months ago stings. “Billy. It’s Billy.” 

“Hi Billy. My name’s Kyle. I’m going to touch you, okay? You can tell me to stop anytime you want.” He grips Billy’s hands in his and feels him shudder. The sob that is ripped from Billy breaks Kyle’s heart and he knows Grayson sees it when he pulls Billy to his side possessively. 

“This is too much. I fucked up. I need to get him out of here.” Grayson isn’t thrilled to see Kyle touching Billy with so much familiarity, but he’s grateful for the help as Kyle says he’ll help get Billy into the back room. What he doesn’t like is how Kyle is now rubbing circles onto the backs of Billy’s hands. Along with Kyle, he gets him to the back room and gets him into a love seat to sit and calm down. He turns around and waits for Kyle to leave, but he doesn’t. He only gets a questioning look and he frowns. “I didn’t know… I didn’t think he’d freak out.”

Kyle shrugs, not caring if Grayson seems uncomfortable when Kyle touches Billy. He figures Grayson lost the right to get upset about that when he ran away, right after Kyle begged him not to. “Sometimes it’s not something you can prepare for. For all you know, he saw socks on someone that reminded him of a long dead uncle. You just have to be here for him when he is able to talk about it.” 

Grayson runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck.. _Fuck!_ ” 

Kyle glares at Grayson when he sees Billy flinch. He wants to tell Grayson that maybe he should think about a lot of things before he does them, but he holds his tongue. 

Grayson looks down at Billy and frowns. “Billy, it’s okay. I’m really sorry I yelled.” He looks up at Kyle and meets his eyes. “I’m not angry with you at all. I’m angry with myself.” He shakes his head and looks back at Billy’s bowed head. “I shouldn’t have brought you out with a bunch of people you don’t know. I was just trying to help and-“

“Grayson!” Kyle hisses at him in frustration. “It’s not about you, man. Just focus on… Billy, right? Yeah, just focus on Billy. Let’s get him feeling better.” He sits down in a chair next to the loveseat and takes one of Billy’s hands from his face when he sees the other boy start digging his nails into the flesh there. 

Grayson snaps out of it soon enough and sits down next to Billy and takes his other hand to prevent the damage Kyle saw happening. “Billy? Hey, you’re safe here. I’m with you and my friend, Kyle… he’s a pretty okay guy. We’re both here whenever you are ready to talk.”

Kyle glances over at Grayson, amused that he called him a friend and enraged that he refers to him as a “pretty okay guy.” But then Billy starts regulating his breathing and confesses that he was looking at the men in the group. He doesn’t see how that’s a big deal and tells Billy as much, but then realizes that the blonde has not explored his own sexuality at all. And that Grayson didn’t know. But when he confronts him, he finds out that Grayson _does_ know and he becomes angry. “But _he_ didn’t know and you went ahead and brought him here to, what? Force him into it? Jesus Christ, Grayson, you might as well have thrown someone into a volcano to get them used to the heat…”

“You’re being dramatic, Kyle.”

“Fuck you, Grayson.” Kyle glares at the other man, hating him for acting as if Kyle is the one being dramatic when he’s not the one who ran off to avoid talking to him like an adult.

“Fuck both of you. Can you shutup a minute so I can think?”

Kyle smiles at that. He thinks he might like this guy. He’s got some fire to him. But when he finds out that Grayson brought him to this meeting to force him into his sexuality _and_ didn’t bother to tell him what type of meeting it is, he can’t keep his mouth shut and glares at Grayson as if he’s seeing the boy for the first time and he’s not happy with what he’s seeing. “You didn’t even tell him what _type_ of meeting you brought him to?” He sighs and turns his attention to the other boy. “Billy, this is a support group, for people who like… It’s for gay guys and lesbians and… people who feel different and –“ He glares at Grayson again. “- can’t always share their feelings and thoughts with the people they love.” When Grayson looks away, shame clear on his face, he turns back to Billy. “A lot of people here join us in order to get the support they need to come out to people they care about.”

When Billy looks up, Kyle’s breath catches. He’s not sure what to think as he gazes into the startling blue eyes and it takes him a moment to realize that Billy’s staring right back. But then Grayson interrupts and offers to take Billy back to the dorms. Kyle isn’t sure he wants that to happen. Fortunately, Billy shakes his head and Kyle take the opportunity to get out of the room to save them seats. He refuses to make a fool out of himself by sitting silently while the man he loved treats him like an acquaintance or to fawn over the new man in Grayson’s life. He sits down in the meeting circle and makes sure there are two seats by him. He’s hoping that Billy is willing to sit next to him. He felt a connection there and he wants it to be more than just their mutual relationship with Grayson. When they come out and Billy sits down next to him, he tries to hide his satisfied smirk. 

After the meeting, and more nervousness from Billy, he prepares to leave when Grayson walks up to him. Kyle looks around and frowns. “Where’s Billy? You leave him, _too?_ ” Kyle knows it’s a low blow, but he’s hurting and he’s tired of hiding it. 

Grayson bites at his lip. “Kyle, I’m… I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, but I didn’t have a choice. I-“

“Fuck you, Grayson. You had a choice and you made it. I asked you not to run away and you did.”

Grayson grabs Kyle’s hands. “I did that for _you_. Please understand. I can’t… I can’t be in a relationship with anyone. I swore… I _swore_ that I would never be with anyone, sexually or romantically. This is important to me and you… you nearly made me break that oath. Doesn’t that mean something?”

Kyle pulls away. “Yeah, it means you fucked yourself over, too, because we could have had something great. Let’s just… let’s just forget this, okay? I wanted us to be friends, but maybe that can’t happen.”

Grayson nods. “Maybe. But for now… Billy asked for you.”

Kyle is shocked. “Wait, what?”

Grayson shrugs. “I don’t pretend to understand him. He’s complicated and he’s pretty upset.”

Kyle groans and then nods. “Fine. I’ll do it for him. But then… then we need to stop this, okay? I can’t do this. It hurts too much.”

Grayson shoves his hands in his pockets. “I hear you. Come on.” 

Kyle follows and the three head toward the dorms. Kyle walks silently next to Grayson and shakes his head at Grayson’s unsuccessful attempts to get Billy to talk. He’s kind of glad that someone has Grayson as tied up in knots as Grayson had him at one point. Soon he gets to the dorm room and relaxes. When Billy starts acting as if he’s doing something to Grayson that will hurt him when he finds out, he straightens. He’s not sure he’s ready to be a shoulder for Grayson to cry on. But as they have a conversation and Billy starts confessing to some sins, he realizes there’s more to this story. He grows protective for some reason when he learns more about the blonde. 

But then things turn down a dark path. When Billy looks at him, it’s as if he’s seeing someone else because there’s no way that the warm gaze is meant for him. He kind of wishes that it’s for him, though. But he can’t get distracted and he pushes until Billy admits that he lied about someone touching him against his will and never told the truth. After that, it all dissolves into chaos.

Kyle tries to calm Grayson down and when he kicks Billy out, he stays. “Grayson…”

Grayson collapses in Kyle’s arms. “How could he do that? How could he be so cruel? And how could I be so stupid to try and help him?” 

Kyle rubs his back. “I want you to rest, okay?”

Grayson grips him tightly. “Don’t leave me….”

Kyle closes his eyes against the memory of saying the same thing not that long ago to Grayson. “I’ll be back. I just have to run out for a minute. I’ll be back before you know it.” He extracts himself and pushes Grayson gently on the bed. “Stay here.” He calls Josh and tells him briefly what happened. He’s not surprised when Grayson agrees to talk to him. He hands him the phone and then gestures that he’s heading out for a few minutes. 

He runs after Billy and tells him what he knows in his heart. Grayson is angry, but he won’t stay that way. And Billy can’t run off or Grayson will beat himself up. Trying to prevent Grayson from going through what he has already gone through slaps him with a dose of reality. Maybe that’s why he feels so connected to Billy. Billy is severely fucked up, but at least he throws his darkness out into the light, unlike Kyle who keeps it all hidden. He has half a mind to ask Billy if it feels better to just say whatever it is that’s clawing out of his head, but chooses not to. 

He heads back to Grayson’s dorm and is almost to the door when he sees Josh come running. “Hey, what the hell are you doing here?”

Josh takes a deep breath. “Grayson said he needed me and then freaked out that you weren’t there and he was alone.” 

Kyle sighs. “Seriously? I told him I’d be right back. Just go in with him. I’m going out.” He wants to talk to Billy. He almost wonders if they can fall into something stupid and heal each other, even for one night. 

Josh grabs Kyle’s arm. “Hey, come on… don’t be like that. You know Gray cares about you.”

Kyle jerks away. “Do I? I thought he and I were moving toward something and then he tells me he cares and basically we’re on the same page and then suddenly we’re not. I don’t need to be dicked around like that. I deserve more.”

Josh holds up his hands in surrender. “Okay… okay, I don’t disagree with you, but there’s a lot going on in that kid’s head. At least stay the night with him. I won’t be able to.”

Kyle frowns, his thoughts of Billy fading. “Fine. But don’t expect me to put myself on the line again.”

When they go inside, Josh does most of the talking and Kyle is reminded about Morgan, Grayson’s brother who died in some sort of accident. He realizes that the relationship that Grayson has with Billy isn’t romantic at all and he’s not sure how he feels about that bit of information. Grayson seems to have some sort of idea in his head that he has to save Billy. After Josh leaves, Grayson manages to get to sleep once Kyle tells him that Billy is safe. Kyle thinks about Billy and whether he needs saving. He has a horrible feeling the answer might be yes. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle jerks awake at the sound of the door opening. He takes a moment and then realizes he’s in Grayson and Billy’s room. He sits up to see Grayson coming in with some breakfast containers from the dining hall. “Hey…”

Grayson looks over and takes a breath. He forgets sometimes how much he loves the other boy. But he refuses to give in to it. He refuses to have something good for himself. He was so hopeful that Billy would be the one to step in and give Kyle the happiness that he deserves, but now he knows that he can’t push them together. Billy is never going to learn anything and he’s destined to break his heart… just like Morgan did. Just like he did to Kyle. He clears his throat. “Hey yourself. I brought you breakfast as a thank you for staying with me.”

Kyle helps Grayson with the food and sits with him, eating in silence. He finally puts down his plastic fork, not in the mood for powdered eggs. “Grayson…. What happened?”

Grayson shrugs. “I don’t really know. I thought he was a good guy and I was wrong. I’m thinking maybe I-“

“No.” Kyle stretches one arm over his chest and rubs his other arm, feeling insecure suddenly. “With us. What happened?”

“Do you care?” Grayson sets his fork down, also. 

Kyle stands and paces for a few moments before sitting on the edge of the bed again. “Would it matter if I did or not? Will you tell me or keep it a secret no matter what I want?”

Grayson studies him for a moment and then walks over to him. He stands in front of him and cups his jaw. “Kyle…” 

Kyle leans into the touch, but refuses to close his eyes. He needs to see Grayson and make sure he misses nothing in case it all disappears again. “Please… please don’t pull away again.” The look in Grayson’s eyes of sorrow immediately tells Kyle that is exactly what the other boy is going to do. 

“I can’t do this, Kyle. It’s complicated, but this… you and me… it can’t happen.” He starts to move away, but Kyle grips his hand, holding it against his cheek. 

“Please… Grayson, please…You don’t understand. You don’t know… how much you mean to me.” Kyle thinks back on his parents and on the people at the center, on the men who used him for the pleasure he could give to them in exchange for enough money to eat. And although the people at the support group were nice enough, Grayson is the first person that Kyle ever really felt _safe_ with. He doesn’t want to lose that and part of him thinks that he can be happy only being what Grayson will let him be. He doesn’t realize that he’s crying until he feels Grayson’s thumb swipe across his cheek. 

Grayson gets on his knees and looks up slightly at Kyle. “Forgive me. Kyle, please…”

“I’m not over you. Grayson, I want-“

Grayson shakes his head. “I can’t be this for you. I can’t stand in your way and I want you to find someone, okay? Someone who will make you happy and will know what to do with this… gift that you’re trying to give me. Please… please trust me.”

“Don’t do this.” He grips Grayson’s face gently in his hands and whispers, begging Grayson to hear him. “Please…” 

“Kyle… Kyle you need to do what you have to. I will never hold this against you. I won’t feel abandoned.”

“But _I_ will!” Kyle stands, pushing past Grayson and shoving his hands into his own hair for a moment before turning around and looking down at him. “Why? Just tell me why?”

Grayson stands slowly. “Why what?”

“Why aren’t I good enough?” 

Grayson crosses the space in between them quickly and pulls Kyle to him, their lips crashing together. He doesn’t deepen it, but he cups Kyle’s face firmly, keeping him in place as he commits the feel of Kyle’s lips against his own to memory. Then he pulls back and takes another step away, allowing himself a breath or two to calm himself. “You _are_ good enough. It’s me… _I’m_ the one who isn’t-“

Kyle shakes his head and crosses his arms over his chest. “No…. Save it. And don’t… don’t you _ever_ touch me like that again.” He wipes his tears and takes a deep breath. “I’m going back to my room. Billy’s there so I’ll send him here to deal with whatever you want to do.”

“I’m going with you.”

Kyle shrugs. “Do what you want.” He walks out, not caring if Grayson is behind him or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos and/or comment. I'd love to hear what you think about this.


	3. Kyle and Grayson - Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look back at what happened to Kyle and Grayson on that Thanksgiving trip back to Hawkins and what was going on behind the scenes as Billy was trying to make amends with the Party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled writing this chapter for so many reasons. Mostly because I have a strong love for my OCs in this and I also really love Billy in this and I just want to make them all happy at the exact same time. Well... it's not going to happen in this story so... *sigh*

Finding Billy sobbing in the shower is enough to make each of them push past their own issues and focus on the other boy. Once Kyle gets things straightened out in the room and heads to the laundry, he feels as if he can breathe again. He’s not sure what to make of the interaction with Grayson, but he is also not certain that he can emotionally handle thinking about it any longer. Grayson has made himself clear that he doesn’t want to be with him and he thinks it’s time to accept it. 

On the way back from the laundry, he sees Jacob and smiles. “Hey man.” 

Jacob frowns. “You look tired, Kyle. Everything okay? Does this… Does this have to do with your friend?”

Kyle tilts his head. “Friend?”

“Yeah, the guy who stayed at your place last night. I met him when we were both out for a smoke. Nice guy. Just seemed kind of distracted.”

Kyle glances at his door and then back at Jacob. “You met him so did you… I mean did he tell you anything?”

Jacob shrugs. “Not really.”

Kyle smirks then. “Come on, man… you can tell me…”

Jacob smiles and shakes his head. “Sorry, I don’t talk about people I share certain things with.”

Kyle crosses his arms. “He’s a friend. Nothing more. But it looks like you might have gotten a chance to find out just how awesome he is.” Kyle feels sick inside, but he knows that he has to make this convincing. Jacob is incredibly protective of people he’s intimate with and he has to play this right. “Considering what he said about _you_ , I think you have a new fan.”

Jacob laughs. “For real? Wow… that’s really cool of him. I mean yeah, we had some fun, but I was kind of worried I wasn’t doing it for him.”

“What? That’s not how he tells it. He said you were really good. Best he’s had. I didn’t know you had it in you, Jacob.” Kyle laughs, his stomach tensing because Jacob is laughing with him. 

“I don’t know what I did. He did all of the work. Until the end. That’s why I thought he wasn’t into me.” He shrugs.

“What do you mean?” Kyle holds his breath. 

“No way, man. Too many details. You know I don’t do that shit. I gotta respect the people who trust me enough to do that stuff with me.”

Kyle nods. “I know, I know. Hey, you take care, alright?”

Jacob grins. “Yeah, and… hey I was going to run over and make sure he was good today. Things got intense… in a good way. And if he wants to hang out as friends, let him know I’m cool with that, yeah?”

Kyle smiles back. “Absolutely.” He walks back into the room as Jacob walks out for a class. He takes a few deep breaths and goes over to the other two boys. Once Billy is settled and manages to tell them what happened, he feels his heart break for this boy. He knows Jacob is a kind man, but he also hurts for Billy because of the experiences he had. Kyle is stunned to find out that Billy has never done anything with another man. He thought for sure that he and Grayson may have experimented or maybe Billy had a few experimentations in his past. But this is something completely different than what Kyle has believed about Billy. He starts to wonder if he’s going to be able to help with this situation at all. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Not too many weeks later, Kyle has helped in ways he never thought possible. Dating Billy Hargrove is definitely an adventure. Their first kiss was magical. Kyle had gotten angry over a B grade and as he was ranting and raving, Billy grabbed him and shut him up with a kiss. As Billy deepened the kiss, Kyle was swept away by the fact that Billy was trying so hard to get comfortable with the feel of another man’s mouth on his. Although kissing was as far as they have gone so far, Kyle can’t believe how much has changed in the last few weeks. Billy is patient, but Kyle is less so. 

Now, just before the Halloween party, he speaks to Grayson and tries to keep his nervousness hidden, but Grayson sees right through it. 

“Just spill it.” Grayson crosses his arms over his chest. 

“Can you… um… can you maybe not… uh…” Kyle frowns and then takes a calming breath. He’s not tip toeing around Grayson’s feelings anymore. He’s been pushed away enough. It’s time he does what _he_ wants. “Can you crash in my room tonight?”

Grayson looks stunned and then swallows past the lump in his throat. “Oh… so… you and Billy?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah… me and Billy. I think it’s time.”

Grayson shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “I’m… I’m glad. You deserve someone who really cares about you.”

“I thought _you_ cared about me.” 

Grayson’s eyes snap up to see Kyle’s glare. “I… I _do_ care about you! That’s not fair and you know it!”

“Do I?” Kyle shoves his hands in his pockets. “You’re with me and things… I mean it wasn’t a fucking secret how I felt… how I _feel_ , but then you leave. No goodbye, just gone. As if I didn’t mean a damn thing to you. And then you _what?_ Just show up out of the blue and I’m supposed to pretend we’re just pals or something? And there’s this new guy and I have _no_ idea what the two of you mean to each other and-“

“We’re _friends!_ ”

Kyle shakes his head. “I know that _now_ , but do you have any idea what you put me through?”

Grayson sighs. “I don’t know how to make you understand. Please, Kyle… just please understand that the feelings… yeah, they’re real, but I can never… I just can’t be with you.”

Kyle takes another deep breath. And then another. And another. “See you at the party. Just… don’t be here afterward.” He walks out, knowing that he’s hurting Grayson and also knowing that Grayson can stop all of it if he wants to. He no longer feels sorry for the other boy. He has someone else in his life who wants to spend time with him and he’s not going to take it for granted. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

After the party, in the bathroom, Kyle stands and looks in the mirror. His image is quickly disappearing under the steam from the spray and he wipes the glass quickly. He thinks of how he wanted to be with Grayson after everything happened to him at the center. He thinks of how he’d trusted Grayson and that he was finally feeling safe. He thinks about being forced to be with a girl he didn’t care about. He thinks about how he shoved his hand down other men’s pants in order to pay for a meal or a hotel room. 

He leans his forehead against the glass for a beat and then turns and steps into the shower. He replays the conversation that he had with Billy, about how they’re friends and this is sex and nothing more. He tells himself that he’s being fairer to Billy than Grayson ever was to _him,_ but it still doesn’t sit right with him. He shakes it off and finishes his shower, wraps a towel around his waist and hurries downstairs. 

That night, as he takes Billy for the first time, he knows that he’s in trouble. He’s not sure when it happens. Maybe it’s when Billy admits to him that he’s scared he’ll be a disappointment. Kyle is shocked when he says it and it’s such a contradiction to Billy’s usually cocky attitude. Kyle takes control quickly and then Billy asks him to be his first in every way and maybe that is when things change. Or maybe it’s the first time Kyle calls Billy “baby” when Billy wraps his lips around him and tentatively shows Kyle how much he appreciates him.

He knows that when Billy tenses up, when he becomes frightened, Kyle is genuine when he whispers to him how perfect he is, how special and beautiful, when he tells him how good he’s doing and how he feels amazing. Maybe it’s the moment that Kyle gets lost in the sensation of Billy’s body holding him inside of him and Kyle knowing that nobody has ever felt this way with the blonde and that nobody else will ever be Billy’s first male lover in this way. That’s an honor that Billy chose _him_ for, but he’s not stupid. Later, when he holds Billy and kisses him gently and strokes his hair back and continues rubbing his hand up and down the other boy’s side until the shivering from the climax stops, he looks into Billy’s eyes and tries not to imagine Grayson. For a moment, he feels guilty. But then he’s pretty certain that Billy is doing the same thing and he knows. He knows that Billy isn’t seeing him, either. And maybe nobody is choosing Kyle first after all. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

A month later and Thanksgiving in Hawkins is quickly becoming a nightmare. Billy has already been mauled by Max and Joyce; and Grayson and Kyle are having a pretty clear difference of opinion. Kyle wants Billy to face what he did and Grayson keeps trying to protect him. He finally manages to convince Grayson to leave Billy alone with Steve’s friends so he can deal with the consequences of his actions. 

As Kyle drags Grayson out by his arm, he feels his anger at the scene grow. It isn’t until Grayson yanks his arm out of Kyle’s grip that he even realizes that he’s still holding onto him. He keeps walking to the car, ignoring Grayson completely. When he gets to the vehicle, he leans against it and closes his eyes. He listens as the others talk softly and comfort each other. He doesn’t know exactly what they’re saying and he doesn’t care. He’s not interested. All he knows is that Billy has hurt people and they deserve answers. And Grayson… he has no clue what to do about him. 

Not long after, he opens his eyes long enough to see Jonathan walk out and Grayson rush in. Jonathan looks after him and seems to have a knowing look on his face. The thought hits him that Jonathan thinks that Grayson and Billy are a couple. He feels his anger begin to increase and clenches his fists. He isn’t sure what he’s upset about. He’s not jealous of Billy because the blonde clearly has no romantic feelings toward Grayson. 

He forces his fists to relax and waits. When Grayson comes back out, he makes eye contact with him and follows him with his gaze as he walks closer. “Have a nice talk with Billy?”

Grayson frowns. “I told him we’re here for him. Seems like that’s something _you_ should be telling him since you’re the one in a relationship with him.”

Kyle sighs. “It’s not like that.”

Grayson looks Kyle up and down. “Really? You clearly care about him. You look out of sorts with these people going in there to talk to him so maybe you’re not that happy about him facing these consequences after all.”

Kyle huffs out a sad laugh. “Wow, you know… I think I get it now. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out why I’m bothered by you and Billy and your… friendship. I know that you’re not interested in Billy like that. And I know that Billy could never be with you since he loves you too much like family. And then it occurred to me. I don’t want _you_ comforting _him_ …”

Grayson’s eyes widen. “What?”

Kyle shrugs. “Just what I said, man. You don’t get to support him before I do. You’re the third wheel and I think it’s time you remembered that.”

Grayson shakes his head. “But… but you and I-“

“What, Grayson? You and I what? Nothing, that’s what. You didn’t want me and I don’t understand why not, but now I’m sensing that knowing doesn’t mean anything. It won’t change the situation. I can’t wait for you. Billy is _my_ … I mean he’s… he’s _my_ responsibility when it comes to picking up the pieces. You don’t get to be there for him first. It’s not your place. You chose your place in our lives so respect me for doing exactly what you told me to do. I’m finding someone who deserves me.” 

He turns away and doesn’t talk to Grayson while others go in and out of the house. He hears some of the things that Grayson is being told and he shudders at the thought of the man he holds in bed doing the things the others are talking about. When everyone is finished, he turns and points his finger at Grayson. “You can wait.”

He walks in and Billy is immediately in his arms. After Grayson comes and then goes, he tells Billy about what they’d heard outside and tries to keep from talking about it too much. And then they’re outside and Grayson is giving Billy shit for not deserving Max. While Billy deals with the others, Kyle leans in to talk to Grayson. “Hey, you want to drop the holier than thou attitude?”

Grayson frowns. “What the fuck, Kyle! You heard what he did.”

“Yeah, well you don’t get to lecture anyone on not deserving people, alright?” He frowns and stands, waiting for the others. 

It takes Billy getting kicked in the nuts by Erica Sinclair and Grayson being totally out of line with Max, followed by Kyle _also_ being totally out of line with Max, for the two men to talk again and settle their differences for the moment. 

Later, when Billy has a massive panic attack, they completely put their differences aside because Billy is hurting and he’s probably the only innocent in this twisted triangle of theirs. Both are thrilled to step out of the way as Max takes control and helps Billy calm down. They both know that this is the best thing that can happen to him. 

But after the confrontation, when Billy reveals what Neil had done to him, after Kyle has helped Max pack, after he runs out of the house to see Grayson comforting Billy… that’s when it becomes apparent to Kyle. He cares about Billy as more than a stand in for Grayson. He wants _Billy_ and he wants to hold him and put him back together and comfort him. 

“Shit, baby….” Kyle kisses Billy hard, needing to hold him and know for a fact that he’s safe and he’s here with him. “Fuck, I’m going to kill him. I’m going to murder him.”

Billy shakes his head. “He’s not worth it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

Kyle hates that Billy is apologizing for anything and tells him so. He is terrified, but he asks if Billy was touched and the fear that Billy is going to say yes chokes him. Once he finds out that Billy hadn’t been exposed to that level of depravity, he can breathe a bit easier. 

When they get in the car, they ignore Grayson and Max in favor of focusing on each other. They whisper softly to the other. 

“Billy, you know what you mean to me, right? When I thought… I mean I’ve never really wanted to kill someone before. But this time, I swear to God I’d love to watch the life drain from his eyes.”

Billy shakes his head. “No, you don’t mean that. You’re too good, Kyle. Even with everything you’ve put up with from me.”

Kyle presses a soft kiss to the corner of Billy’s mouth. “What are you talking about?”

Billy shrugs. “I know that you don’t want to be with me. I know that you’re in this friendship because I asked you to turn your back on your feelings so I could learn about the physical aspects of-“

Kyle cuts him off with a soft press of his lips. “Please… please don’t say that. It’s more than that. I know you feel it, too. It’s so much more.”

Billy presses his forehead into Kyle’s shoulder and feels the hot tears start to drip onto Kyle’s shoulder. “Please don’t… don’t say that. I can’t… I mean I can’t be _him_ for you.”

“I know that. I do. I want you to be _you_. Billy, you’re so…. So very special to me.”

“You don’t mean that.” He fists grip Kyle’s shirt tightly. “Nobody sticks around, Kyle. I get it.” 

“No, you don’t. I’m trying to tell you that I want to stick around… for the bad stuff. I really want to. You’re amazing, Billy. I’ve been upset about some people not appreciating what they’ve been given and I’m guilty of the same thing.”

Billy frowns. “Kyle… I don’t know…”

“No, it doesn’t require to make any decisions. I just wanted you to know that my feelings are… _have_ changed. You don’t have to say a thing. Nothing has to change for you. I know I’m not the one you think of when we’re together, but you… you’re the one _I_ am seeing now when I look at you. I just… I want you to know.”

As Billy presses his face to Kyle’s neck and begins gently mouthing the skin there, Grayson pulls over and takes Max inside. It isn’t very long after the door closes that Kyle is pushing Billy back against the seat and deepening the kiss. Billy tears his mouth away at one point to gasp in pleasure and in emotional pain. “Kyle…”

“I’m here, baby. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, alright?” He grips Billy’s hair and pulls back, biting at his ear and then licking it gently to soothe it. 

“You… you mean it?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah… yeah, I do. I’m not leaving. I’ll never walk away from you.”

Billy chokes back a sob and leans into Kyle. Eventually, Billy’s breathing evens out and Kyle shifts him until his head is on his lap and Kyle is able to card his fingers through the other boy’s hair. Later that night, when he has Billy tucked against his side, he starts to think that he’s enjoying moving on from Grayson and that he may actually be falling for the boy in his arms. He finds himself hoping that Billy might feel the same. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Thanksgiving is difficult for Grayson as he confesses his secret to Max. But then the memories come and he starts thinking of Billy alone in the hotel room and suddenly he’s caught up in his past and he’s grabbing Kyle and telling everyone thank you but he has to check on Billy. He doesn’t think about how odd it is to be in the car with Kyle not saying a fucking word. He doesn’t care about any of it except getting to Billy. He can see him in his mind and the look on his face as he hangs from his closet rod or the shower head or anything else that he can manage to hurt himself with. He shudders and ignores Kyle when he asks what’s going on. He’s out of the car before Kyle comes to a full stop and doesn’t care that Kyle is racing after him. 

Having Billy in his arms, safe and sound, calms Grayson down immediately and he leaves to pull himself together, not wanting to intrude on the other two. During their talk, Billy tries not to be disappointed when Kyle calls Billy his “best friend” and confesses that losing Grayson hurts him. Billy pulls himself together. Yesterday, he thought that Kyle was falling for him and now he’s not so sure again. He was letting himself feel more for Kyle and he’s now frantically trying to pull things back in, but it’s not going overly well. Still, he can’t begrudge Kyle for not having genuine feelings for him. He knows that he’s just a placeholder for Grayson. They laugh, neither one wanting to admit that they were starting to think more about each other than whoever was in their fantasies from before they met. 

They spend the following day in bed most of the morning. Kyle kisses Billy and they don’t mention that he’s moving slower and softer than before. The tender nibbles on Billy’s lip, the way his hand strokes through the blonde curls, and the gentle caresses as he kisses down his neck and then pushes him lightly on his back. Kyle undresses Billy slowly. Usually clothes are torn off or they have stripped before even attempting to become physical. This time, when Kyle takes Billy into his mouth, Billy lets himself be vulnerable to whimper. Kyle tries not to feel proud that the whimper is followed by Billy keening out his name. Kyle pleasures him slowly, not rushing Billy’s climax. But when it comes, Kyle can’t help but think how beautiful the other boy is and Billy can only try to catch his breath while Kyle pulls him to his chest and rubs his back and holds him until the trembling from Billy’s release slows and then stops. 

Kyle pulls back when Billy tries to reciprocate. “This isn’t about me right now, baby. I want to hold you, alright? Seeing you the other day… the way you were at… at the house. God, Billy, I just wanted to protect you. I know the things we’ve said. I know that this isn’t… I know it isn’t what we agreed on. But I really think that I’m-“

“Kyle, no…. Please don’t say it. I’m… I mean I don’t deserve that from you. I know what I am. It’s okay. You don’t have to make me feel better or anything.”

Kyle sighs. “I know how things started. I know. But Billy, this is about you right now. I’m with _you_ and I love-“

“Stop!” Billy pulls away. “I can’t, Kyle. I know that you want Grayson. I get it. But you can’t… just please don’t say things like that. I know you might be ready to say things like that or think about saying things like that, but I’m not ready to hear it. Maybe, um… maybe one day, but not today, please? Just not… not here. Not in fucking _Hawkins_.”

Kyle sits up and pulls Billy back. “Okay, you’re right. But one day, you’re probably going to have to be ready because I don’t think this is going away anytime soon.” He smiles when he sees Billy relax “But okay, I won’t say anything and I’ll take time to really think about my feelings and then, when we’re both ready, I’ll let you in on how I’m feeling, okay?”

Billy nods. “Yeah, okay. Okay, I can handle that.” He leans in to kiss Kyle, but he finds that Kyle takes control again quickly. He pulls Billy onto the bed and onto his lap, his own back against the headboard. 

“Let me love you, Billy…”

“You said you wouldn’t-“

“I’m not saying that. I just mean… let me make love to-“

“No! Kyle, nothing like that. I can’t… I just can’t.” He groans in frustration as he feels his tears start. “Fuck…”

Kyle stretches up while wrapping a hand around Billy’s neck and pulling him down. He kisses Billy passionately, allowing his feelings to come out in that one kiss. They continue exploring each other until Billy is finally able to sink down, taking Kyle’s length inside of himself. He throws his head back at a particularly well placed thrust and soon they’re holding on to each other and not thinking of anything or anyone but each other. They swallow each other’s moans and gasps and finally, when Billy pulls Kyle to his chest and rests his own head on the top of his boyfriend’s, Kyle is able to hear Billy’s heart pound as Billy literally cries out Kyle’s name. A few thrusts more and Kyle has his forehead pressed into Billy’s chest and he whimpers softly, Billy’s name falling from his lips as if it’s a sacred prayer. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The next day, Billy stands with his arms crossed over his chest as Kyle and Grayson begrudgingly apologize to each other for their moods. And then he’s gone, having left Kyle and Grayson behind to make another round talking to the Party and their parents. 

Kyle starts packing some things up and looks over as Grayson stands there, refusing to leave. “Don’t you have to pack?”

Grayson shrugs. “I’m done for the most part. I’m looking forward to getting back to school, though. I think this trip was just too… too much.”

Kyle tosses another shirt in his bag and then sits down on the bed. “For Billy or for you?”

Grayson shakes his head. “You can stop being a dick to me at any time, Kyle. I get that you’re pissed at me for leaving, but that wasn’t-“

“I’m not mad, Grayson. I’m tired. I’m just so… so fucking tired.” Kyle runs a hand through his hair and finally looks up to meet Grayson’s eyes. “You have no clue what you did to me. I get that. I really do, but you don’t know how much damage you did.”

Grayson frowns. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t about you.”

Kyle huffs out a laugh, but it’s sad and defeated. “If you say any form of ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ I’m going to knock you out.”

“It’s my brother… Morgan.” Grayson collapses into the chair near the foot of the bed. “He died and… his life wasn’t great. I mean it wasn’t what it could have been. It was too short and he missed out on everything. But I’m here and alive and I just can’t have the things that he never will. I can’t do this without him.”

Kyle studies the other boy for a moment and then shakes his head. “Grayson, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you’re not the only one who has a lot of shit to deal with. I could have helped you with this. I _would_ have helped you with this!” He stands and starts to head toward the door, but then his hand is grabbed and he looks down to where Grayson is gripping him tightly. “Grayson… let me go…”

Grayson looks up and he loosens his grip, but doesn’t let go. “What if I don’t want to?”

Kyle frowns. “What?”

Grayson shakes his head and finally lets go. “Shit… nothing. Ignore me. I’m being a piece of shit and that’s not fair.”

Kyle stares down at him, trying to figure out what is going on, but he also knows that it’s not his job to heal Grayson or keep him safe anymore. “Yeah… if life was fair, we wouldn’t be in Hawkins helping Billy with all of this shit. This place hasn’t done anyone any favors.”

Grayson stands. “I should go.”

Kyle watches Grayson walk to the door and place his hand on the knob, but he can’t let him leave without telling him what’s been happening between him and Billy. He takes a step closer. “Grayson, wait…”

Grayson’s heart nearly explodes. It’s killing him. It destroyed him yesterday hearing the sounds coming from this room. He knows what fun sex sounds like. He’s heard it coming from the direction of those two before, but this… yesterday… this was making love. It was different and although Grayson pushed Kyle away, it still hurt to lose him. He tried to tell himself that it was a fluke and that maybe it isn’t too late. But then he’d seen Billy and Kyle and he felt so out of touch from the group. He knows now that he’s the third wheel. Still, he wants to tell Kyle everything. All about Morgan and his fears and his guilt. But it’s too late. Kyle doesn’t want him and Grayson waited too long to figure out some of his shit. He still hates himself and feels responsible for Morgan, but he would rather have Kyle by his side as he fights this. 

So he leaves. And then Kyle, amazing wonderful beautiful Kyle, the boy who made him feel welcome and special and _worthy_ is stopping him. It’s not too late. He has a chance. Billy is only using Kyle for sex and they all know it and if they only had one soft moment, if that’s all it was, then it’s not too late. So Grayson turns in relief and elation when Kyle calls his name and asks him to wait. 

And he fists his hands in Kyle’s shirt and pulls him close, practically weeping as everything feels safe and _right_ and he kisses him. He notes that Kyle is stunned and also senses the second that Kyle softens. They take turns licking into each other’s mouths and biting down on lips. Grayson grips Kyle’s hips and pulls him tight. He moans as his quickly hardening length makes contact with Kyle’s thigh and he can’t help the gentle movements as his desire floods him. And Kyle’s hands are caressing him, running down his arms and to his wrists and then he’s tugging…

He’s tugging at Grayson’s wrists and angling away from Grayson’s thrusts and tearing his mouth away and finally, he looks down and gathers his strength and, “Grayson, _stop!_ ”

Grayson stares at the other boy, his mouth half open, breath rushing in and out of his lungs, arousal fading. “But… we… I mean I….”

Kyle lets out a strangled sound, but Grayson isn’t sure whether it’s a growl or a sob. “Grayson, we can’t do this. _I_ can’t do this.”

Grayson shakes his head. “What do you mean? Of course we can! You’ve been so patient and I know… Billy and Josh… they both wanted me to face my demons so I could make room for you in my life and I was stubborn and stupid and yeah, I’m… Oh God, I’m fucking hurting. I miss Morgan every fucking day. But I know that maybe I can have this. Maybe I can do this and not feel like I’m taking something from Morgan.”

Kyle allows the tears to fall then. “Grayson, if you would have said any of this to me this summer or… hell, or any other time before yesterday, maybe this could have been easier. But… But I told Billy…” 

“You love him?”

Kyle shakes his head. “No, I mean… yeah. Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. It's why I wanted you to wait. I wanted to tell you that whatever I’m feeling, Billy doesn’t want to hear it right now. He’s scared and I don’t want to abandon him.”

“Kyle…” He takes the other boy’s hand in his own. “We’ll both be here for him. We _both_ love him.”

“You don’t get it. He doesn’t want to hear it right now because he _can’t_. When all of this started, it was just… two guys getting off. But then I started to notice that he was relying on me more and opening up more. We talked, you know… after. He’d stay in my arms and talk about everything and anything and I started to really get to know him. It’s why I’m tough on him. I know he can take it. He’s strong, Grayson. Stronger than we give him credit for.”

“What does that have to do with us?”

“Everything. We got closer, but I really only thought about how I wanted it to be you in my arms. Billy’s great, but _you_ were the one I was imagining when I was sinking into Billy.”

Grayson pulls Kyle’s arm up and lightly kisses the inside of his wrist. “It’s okay, Kyle. I’m here now. I can be that for you.”

Kyle snatches his arm away. “No, you _can’t!_ Didn’t you hear me? I said you _were_ the one I imagined. I… I don’t anymore. Or at least yesterday, I… I knew _exactly_ who I was holding onto and… and it wasn’t you.”

Grayson takes a step back. “You want Billy now.”

Kyle throws his hands up in frustration. “I care about him and he won’t let me tell him that like I want to, but he started having feelings for me that could have hurt him and he knew it and he still allowed himself to feel that way. He _never_ asked more of me, though. Even though he knew he was going to get his heart broken, he didn’t ask me to give him anything I wasn’t willingly going to give. And then I started needing him, too. And now… now, he knows that. And now he’s the one holding back and I… Grayson, I’ve got to be patient. I think this can be really good. I think maybe this is better than anything I hoped to have after you left. But I have a chance now. I have this chance to be with him and be… be his _everything._ ”

Grayson wraps his arms around himself. “You were _my_ everything.”

Kyle shakes his head. “I clearly wasn’t.” He holds his hand up when Grayson looks up to protest. “It’s okay, Grayson. I get that something happened to you and it messed you up. I understand. I promise. But I also know that I’ve got my own stuff messing me up and I needed more from you than what you gave me. But… I’m not giving up this chance. I can’t.”

Grayson nods in acceptance. “I’m so sorry, Kyle. I’m… I don’t know what else to say. Maybe… I should tell Billy what I tried to do and-“

“Don’t. Billy won’t blame you. And he won’t blame me. He’s listened to me as I talked about you and how much I wanted to be with you and he comforted me. He supported me. And if you say anything to him, he’s going to walk away from me because he’ll think that you’re best for me because he doesn’t believe he can be the best thing for anyone. I want him to know that’s not true. I want him to know that he’s so much more than I deserve. He’s everything, Grayson. I didn’t think so, but as I spend more time with him and I see how much he’s endured and how much he’s willing to endure to make things right… He stuns me with how amazing he is.”

Grayson shifts his weight from foot to foot for a bit and then sighs heavily. “Okay. I hear you. I’ll respect what you have with him. If I’d known it was anything more than what it was in the beginning, I _never_ would have-“

“I know.” Kyle speaks softly and smiles gently at Grayson. “I _know_.” He reaches over and hugs Grayson to him. “Thank you. Thank you for giving this to me.”

Grayson closes his eyes, trying not to let the tears fall. “I hope… I hope you both find what you need in each other.” He lets go quickly. “Let me know when Billy is back. I just… I need to be by myself, okay?” At Kyle’s nod, he walks out and to his room. 

Kyle stares at the now closed door and takes a few breaths before his thoughts turn to Billy and the adventure he’s trying to embark on with the blonde. He smiles, thinking of how nice it will be once Billy finally lets go and learns to trust him enough to be with him fully. He flips on the television and allows the sound to help him drift off into a nap. 

On the other side of the wall, Grayson leans against the door to his room. He glances over at the wall when the sound from the television filters through. He closes his eyes and finally lets the tears come. He leans forward and then thuds his head back against the door once before sliding down it to sit on the floor. Kyle loves Billy now. He's missed his chance. He muffles his sobs in his arms as he faces the heartbreaking pain of knowing, just like he did months ago standing in that garage and staring at the horror of what his brother did, that he didn't see this coming and now it's too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, should be ONE more chapter of Kyle/Grayson and Kyle/Billy stuff and then I'll move on to Steve. You didn't think I'd just forget about him, did you? He deserves at least one chapter. LOL


	4. So this is Christmas...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy, Grayson, and Kyle have a rough holiday season and finally come back to the present as the story continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am healing up from the Covid-19 scare. My grandma dying has also taken its toll. And the precious twins who died inside of me should have been in my arms within the next couple of weeks. Yeah, this is rough. So... I really want to start writing again. I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I hope you all haven't completely given up on me.

Returning to school after Thanksgiving is like walking into another world for Grayson. When he left for Hawkins, it was with the man he is pretty sure he loves and his best friend. And he had no ideas of anything changing. But now he’s the roommate and best friend of the man who has the happiness that Grayson was too stupid to keep for himself. When Billy gives him the letter from Max urging him to tell Kyle and Billy about Morgan, he crumples it up and shoves it away. But he keeps it. He knows that he has to keep it because Max is worried about him, worried about all of them. Billy is too amped up after the Thanksgiving trip to notice any concerns going on between his friends. He cares about them, but he’s also trying to focus on what he needs to do in order to help Steve’s friends. His sister is a brand new priority for him and, even though she has no reason to give a shit about him and although he has no right to hope for it, he can’t help but wonder if this is actually going to be a beginning to a life that he can finally be proud of. He reminds himself regularly that he’s not really in control of that, though. This has to be on Max’s terms and being patient isn’t easy. 

Kyle changes how he treats them and he still comes over and excitedly tells them something about his class, but he starts running over and straight to Billy, too. Kyle still feels a strong pull toward Grayson, the first boy he ever loved, but he has Billy now and, even though they’re both skirting around things, he is certain that he can love Billy the way he loves Grayson. _Better_ than he loves Grayson. He thinks again about how he was forced to be someone he isn’t and he can’t handle doing the same thing to Grayson anymore. Grayson has his reasons for wanting to be alone and he can’t keep working on a relationship with someone who doesn’t want there to be a relationship at all. He tries to never be alone with Grayson anymore. When he’s with him, Billy is there, too. He starts getting so irritated that Billy won’t allow him to move forward in their relationship like he wants, though. 

Billy reminds him frequently that he loves Grayson and that he is not the one Kyle chose to be with. Billy smiles as he tells Kyle that he’s aware the relationship between them is unique and Kyle doesn’t believe that Billy is happy about this at all. One night, when Grayson is at Josh’s and Billy has brought take-out over to Kyle’s, they discuss exactly what’s going on with them, both hoping for some sort of resolution. 

Kyle dumps some rice into his bowl and proceeds to drown it in soy sauce. “Come on, Billy… tell me why. Tell me why you won’t let this go?”

Billy shakes his head as his eyes widen in disgust at the rapidly browning rice. He nibbles on part of an eggroll and then sighs. “You remember how you used to be when we fucked? You used to ask me constantly if I was okay with how things were. Our afterglow consisted of you reminding me over and over again that it was physical and there were no feelings involved. Then… then you stopped doing that so I started doing it. And now you’re mad at me for it.”

Kyle sets the soy sauce down, to Billy’s relief, and stares at him. “Wait… did I really do that?” He thinks back. “Oh my God… Billy, I’m so sorry.”

Billy sighs. “Stop. All you were doing was reminding me of the rules. And I’m glad you did. God, I wanted to tell you that I would be yours forever after that first time. Feeling you inside of me and hearing the things you were saying, how kind and patient you were.. I don’t know. Nobody has ever treated me that way.”

“Not even Steve?” Kyle watches as Billy sets his fork down. “I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t trying to throw it in your face. I’m really making this a great date, aren’t I?”

Billy smiles. “Is that what this is? A date? We’re sitting in your dorm room with food that _I_ bought and _you_ desecrated.” He shrugs a shoulder. “And I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. You’re right, Harrington might have been the type of guy who treated me like a friend, but I never gave him the chance. This guy, Tommy, he got my ear before I ever had a chance to meet ‘King Steve.’ I assumed the nick name was because he was an asshole. Then I find out that the only asshole there was me. It wasn’t easy looking in the mirror like that. So I lashed out. And it was wrong. I wanted to destroy him. I wanted to destroy _me_ and the person I became.” He looks down where Kyle has taken his hand. He squeezes gently and then looks up into Kyle’s eyes again. “If you hadn’t reminded me of the rules… I would have fallen so hard for you and then where would we be? I’d be hurt. You would hurt me and you’d have to because of Grayson. But then you started… well you started being quiet afterward and then you started talking to me about everything and nothing and then you’d tell me how good I am and how much you like being with me and how much I _mean_ to you and how much you _care_ about me and… I just can’t.”

Kyle leans in and kisses the corner of Billy’s mouth gently. “Can’t what, baby?”

“I can’t be a stand in. At least not… without my knowledge and consent. And you’re acting like I’m the real deal and I think it’s just because you can’t stand knowing that I’m _not_. Being with me is just a reminder that you’re not with him so now you’ve convinced yourself that you _want_ to be with me.”

“Billy, that’s just not true.”

“Isn’t it?” Billy pulls away. “You two have gotten… quieter around each other. So clearly you’ve finally reached your breaking point with him. You’re shutting down. Giving up. And you’re hurt so you come to me and try to heal yourself by… by choosing to see me as a new start. I’m not new, Kyle. I’ve been here the whole time and I wasn’t nearly as special until having Grayson seemed like less of an option.”

The air rushes out of Kyle’s body and he sits back. “Wow… you have a pretty low opinion of me.”

“No, just one of myself. Come on, Kyle. At least be honest with me. I deserve that.”

Kyle studies him for a bit and then nods. “Okay. Okay, here’s the thing. I went through some shit in my life and I don’t trust people often. Everyone wants something and I like knowing that. It makes me feel on even ground. So when I met Grayson, he didn’t seem to want anything and I didn’t know what to do with that. I learned to trust him specifically because he _didn’t_ have an ulterior motive that I could see. We got close and I finally thought that maybe…” He shrugs. “And then it happened. We crossed a line and as soon as it happened, I was gone. Totally head over heels. It had been coming for so long and standing at this precipice for so long made the fall so much more than I thought it would be.” 

Billy listens intently. “Okay, so what happened?”

“I don’t know. Grayson just… he stopped. He panicked. He kicked me out of the house and that was it. I left and then Josh called me and told me that Grayson was gone and that it wasn’t my fault.”

“That’s how you ended things? Wait, but you two are fine now and-“

“The first time I saw him was when he brought you to that meeting. He left. He didn’t say a word, and then he shows up at a meeting out of the blue.”

“With another guy.”

Kyle nods. “Yeah, with you. And when you and I talked about getting together… I warned you about my feelings for Grayson because I didn’t want to hurt you like I’d been hurt.”

“I know and I get that. And it was a good idea, but I got close, Kyle. And you helped me remember not to and I just managed to get things under control for myself and then you start… saying things. And you stop reminding me to keep my feelings in check and it was so hard to close that part of myself off before and now you’re asking me not to… and if I don’t hold back anymore and then have to lock it down… I just don’t want to hurt that way.”

“I won’t hurt you, Billy.”

“I believe that you believe that, but… I’m not willing to take the risk yet, okay? Please… just give me some time.”

Kyle nods. “I can do that.” 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy runs over to the phone, tripping over a pile of his books and swearing as he picks up. 

“That’s a nice way to talk to a child, asshole.”

Billy rolls his eyes and massages his foot. “Hi Max. Sorry, it’s just messy here right now. Lots of studying.”

“Okay, so you’re actually working?”

“Yeah, I mean… I need a scholarship and I might be able to get one if I do well enough on my tests.”

Max scoffs. “I thought you already had a scholarship. _Steve’s_ scholarship.”

Billy frowns. “No, I refused to take that. I’m staying here on my own.”

“Wow. Honesty looks… less than genuine on you, Billy.” 

Billy looks at the phone and sighs. It’s not the first time she’s hung up on him. He replaces the receiver and walks over to his desk as Grayson clears his throat from where he’s leaning over his own pile of notes. “Max?”

Billy nods once. “Yeah.”

“She hang up on you again?” Kyle looks up from where he’s reclined on the bed reading one of his texts. 

Billy nods again, becoming engrossed in the book. “Uh huh.”

Kyle closes his book. “You need to talk about it?”

Billy grunts as if he’s annoyed that he can’t find something in the notes he’s looking through. “Uh… no, I’m good.”

Grayson turns fully toward him then. “You sure?”

Billy nods for a third time and then looks up to see their worried gazes. “Guys, really… it’s fine. I like that she hangs up on me.”

Kyle scoffs. “Really? How come?”

Billy shrugs his shoulder. “Because it means she called.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson smiles at Billy as the blonde comes in from class. 

Billy studies the other boy. “You look happy.”

“Yeah, just had another epic conversation with Jonathan. He’s really nice.”

“I’m glad you get along with him. He’s going to be great for Steve, once we find him.”

Grayson shoves his hands into his pockets. “I talked to Max, too. She says hi.”

“Liar.” He puts his books down and stretches, more than ready for a nap. 

“I _did_ talk to Max! And she _did_ say hi!”

Billy smirks. “Yeah, to you maybe. Did she say hi to me?”

Grayson tries to look innocent. “No.”

“Did she specifically say something to me?”

Grayson squirms a bit. “Yeah….”

Billy grins. “That’s damn good news!”

Grayson looks confused. “It is? Billy, what she said wasn’t very nice. Like… at all.”

Billy shrugs. “Still pretty awesome.”

“How do you figure?”

“She was thinking of me.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy comes home from his first therapy session to a very nervous Grayson and Kyle. He looks at them and shrugs a shoulder. “I don’t know… it was alright.”

Kyle smiles hesitantly. “Yeah? So… that’s a good thing.”

Billy nods. “I think so. She just asked me a lot of questions.”

Grayson frowns. “About what? I mean… if you want to tell us….”

Billy sits down on the side of the bed and sighs. He’s not sure how to explain the session to them and knows he wants to. He shares his inability to feel comfortable at first and how she quickly changed that with her attitude of kindness and acceptance. He explains that he tested her with some of his answers only to find that she meant it when she said she wouldn’t judge him. “It was… nice.” 

The second session led Grayson to question whether therapy was even worth it. Billy walks into the room and smiles at him. “Hey, Gray! You wanna shoot some hoops today?”

Grayson frowns. “It’s… I mean it’s cold….”

Billy shrugs. “Yeah, but it would help get our blood pumping. Kyle went to his place to get a change of clothes and then he’s coming back to meet us. Are you alright with that?”

Grayson nods. “I suppose. But… how was your session?”

Billy grins. “It was great! We share a lot of the same music tastes. She knows a lot of the songs that I like and she even had some movie recommendations. 

By the time Kyle gets there, Grayson is reeling. “Okay, so you just… hung out? I mean… that was it?”

Billy shakes his head. “No, I mean she asked me if it’s hard to talk about some things and I told her that it really is and she said there is no pressure and I can talk about whatever I want, whenever I want.”

Grayson and Kyle exchange a look. Both are thinking the same thing. This therapist is taking Billy for a ride…

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson looks up as Billy walks in with Kyle on his heels. Kyle had taken Billy to this appointment, with the intention of talking to this therapist and find out what her deal is. As Billy walks over to his bed and sits, Grayson looks up at Kyle for an explanation. Kyle shrugs helplessly and walks over to sit next to Billy. 

“Hey… uh… you want to talk about it?”

Billy glances at Grayson. “Do you mind if I talk to Kyle alone?”

Grayson shakes his head. “No, not at all. I’ll go meet up with Josh. I want to pick his brain about Christmas.” He smiles and walks out. 

Billy turns to Kyle and frowns. “Why did you come with me today? Honestly? Because you were kind of shitty to her and I don’t really appreciate it.”

Kyle sighs. “I wasn’t being shitty. I just want to know what the hell she’s doing to help you? You come home from these appointments like everything is right with the world and you really don’t think that’s true, do you?”

Billy frowns. “Is that what you think she’s doing?” He stands up. “You think that I’m running off to therapy and having a wonderful social hour and that’s it? Is that what you think of me? I’ve worked my ass off to face things on my own. You really think I need to go to fucking Hawkins? You think that anything is stopping me from shutting that part of my life off forever? I told Grayson when we got into our first big fight that I was leaving for California and I meant it. I didn’t give a shit about anything and certainly not about being a better person. I know that I’m not perfect. I know that I’ll never be perfect and I’m trying… I’m really _trying_ and I… I don’t know what you want from me!”

Billy isn’t aware that he’s sobbing until Kyle has his arms wrapped around him and he can feel the wetness of Kyle’s shirt against his cheek. 

“Shit… Billy, okay… okay, you’re right. I know you’ve been trying. I know that. I know that you threw yourself into a rough place at Thanksgiving and will continue to do that at Christmas. The fact that you’re going out there without me and Grayson there with you… Please… just know that I think you’re so fucking brave. I really do know that.” He curses himself for not thinking clearly about this before he confronted him. 

Billy pulls back. “It’s…” He pushes against Kyle’s chest gently. “I can’t blame you, I guess. I’m a jerk. I know that. An asshole of the highest degree.”

“Whoa… hold up. I didn’t say-“

“I know you didn’t. But I _know_ this about myself, Kyle. You don’t get it. I hurt someone else just for the hell of it. I did something so awful that I’m not even sure I can forgive myself for it. Ever. Steve… Steve will forgive me. He’s… He’s just… _good._ But I can’t forget what I did.”

Kyle strokes his hand down Billy’s cheek, making sure he conveys all the softness in the world in order to give him comfort. “Don’t say that. You’ll find ways to move on… to be better than-“

“No!” He moves back. “You don’t understand… I can’t… I _won’t_ forget what I did. I _refuse_ to forget what I did. I want to remember that I’m the type of person who could do that which means I can never let my guard down. I can never just assume that I’m going to make the right choices and be a good person. My baseline is to be an asshole and I have to make decisions not to be. I can’t just wing it, Kyle. I’m _not_ a good person. Not a naturally good person anyway. Harrington… he is a naturally good person. He actually has to think about it and decide to do something cruel. I don’t. It comes easy to me. We’re… _different._ ” He runs his hands through his hair. “I want you to get the chance to meet him. You’ll see it. You’ll see it immediately.”

Kyle frowns. “Is that what this therapist tells you? That you’re a bad person?”

Billy shakes his head. “No. Nothing like that. She lets me figure things out for myself. She asked me what I wanted to learn and I told her. Then she just… gives me the space to do it. She’s really nice, but she’s not going to cater to my bullshit. She told me from the beginning that she’s not there to throw a pity party for me. She’s there to make sure I work toward getting my shit together and to fuck me up if I get in my own way of my goals. Well… not in so many words, but yeah. And she doesn’t judge me. Like…. At all. It’s so weird to be in a place like that with someone… I feel like I’m starting to trust her… to tell her _everything…_. And she said that’s really the only way to work on things is to put it all out there. So… I am. Or I’m starting to.”

Kyle realizes his mistake and frowns. “Feeling that free to talk… it must be amazing.”

Billy nods. “It is. And I won’t give that up. It’s helping more than I thought it would. I really thought I was going to walk in there and she was just going to tell me what to do to fix everything, but… instead she asked me how to deal with the fact that I _can’t_ fix everything. Kinda threw me… I almost walked out.” 

“Why didn’t you?”

Billy smirks. “She said I had the right to walk out and I kind of… well, I took it as a challenge and sat down and told her she was fucked in the head if she thought I was walking out now.”

Kyle laughs. “Yeah? I’m sure she liked that…”

Billy grins. “Well… she said that I must be fucked in the head, too, since I’m the one in her office.”

Kyle shakes his head. “Wow… well, alright then, Billy. I guess we’ll see how you do in Hawkins at Christmas.”

Billy nods. “Yeah… we’ll see.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle sits down in one of the dorm chairs and studies Grayson. “So… you think he’ll be alright? He tore out of here like a bat out of hell.”

Grayson looks over Kyle’s head, trying to get his thoughts together before looking back. “I think so. He’s tough. If anyone can deal with his dad, it’ll be him. I mean he’s done it for a long time already.”

Kyle isn’t sure what to say. He knows that he cares about Grayson, but he also knows that he’s falling for Billy and sometimes it doesn’t feel right to discuss his feelings with the man who broke his heart. Still, he feels he owes him something. “Gray… I’m really sorry if I hurt you before. About Billy…”

Grayson moves his finger back and forth over a groove in the table. “Yeah… well, I can’t expect you to wait around forever, right?”

“No, but I’m still sorry.”

Grayson frowns and then studies Kyle for a moment before giving a quick nod. “Yeah… me, too.” He stands up. “I’m heading to Josh’s. You going home, too?”

Kyle nods. “Oh… yeah, figure I might as well. Obligations and all.” He looks up at Grayson and smiles sadly, not sure if it’s for hurting him or if it’s for knowing what they lost. “Merry Christmas, Grayson.”

Grayson smiles and tries not to let his pain show. “Merry Christmas, Kyle.” 

Grayson isn’t sure how it happens or why, but he takes Kyle’s hand as if to shake it, but he holds it gently instead. “Kyle… maybe… don’t go?”

Kyle frowns, the pull of this boy who stole his heart being stronger the more he allows himself to be touched. “We can’t do this. We can’t…”

“I know… I’m not asking… I mean I am, but… not like that. I just don’t want to be alone and I don’t… I don’t want to go to Josh’s just yet.”

Kyle looks around and sighs. “What is this, Gray? What exactly are you looking for because I can’t give you everything you might want. I can’t…”

Grayson nods. “I know. Maybe… a movie?”

Kyle smiles. “I think that might be something I can do.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson isn’t sure how Christmas became so messed up. He tries to forget the message from Max for him and Kyle. He hopes that none of it is true and that Billy won’t hurt himself, but it is a possibility and he’s nearly going insane with the idea that he’s lost someone else, that he couldn’t keep Billy safe from the horrors that make death seem so much better than life. He glances over at Kyle and wonders if he’s thinking the same thing. They haven’t spoken more than a few words to each other on this trip and he has no idea what he’d say anyhow. He loves Billy in a way that he hasn’t loved anyone since Morgan. He’s become so close to the other boy and losing him or Kyle over a lost love is no longer an option. He knows that if it comes down to it, he’ll pick friendship with both than walking away from them both out of jealousy. 

Kyle fights the urge to ask Grayson what he’s thinking. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to hear that Billy might have been pushed too far, that he didn’t work on things as much as they thought. Part of him knows deep in his gut that he’s okay… that he’d never do all of this work just to throw it all away. But then again, he also knows that Billy is unpredictable and that anything could have set him off, especially in Hawkins. And now, with everything happening, maybe Billy couldn’t take the guilt. Maybe pushing him to be better… to have a conscience… has backfired and now Billy can’t live with himself. He swipes a tear away, grateful that it’s on the side where Grayson can’t see it, can’t judge him for it. He takes a deep breath and lets it out on a sigh, making boredom at the drive camouflage his need to keep a panic attack at bay. He hasn’t had one in so long and now, after everything, it’s sneaking up on him. He hates that Billy can’t trust him with his heart. He knows that he truly believes that Billy is a good choice for him and he wants him to give in to him and let him take care of him like he deserves. But Kyle knows that Billy isn’t going to buy that anytime soon and Kyle can’t blame him. But he’s holding firm. He _is_ ready to let go of Grayson. And he’s going to prove it if Billy gives him the chance. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The trip home is eerie and silent. Kyle drives and lets Billy and Grayson rest. Their lives were completely changed. He thought he was falling in love with Billy and now he feels torn again. As soon as Grayson went missing, it was like something in him opened up and let him feel vulnerable again. He knows that maybe he was protecting himself and that’s why he hasn’t let himself really feel what he feels about the other boy. But then there’s Billy. And Billy is wonderful and special and… safe. Kyle sighs. So maybe he’s not in love with Billy. Maybe he’s in love with the idea of safety. But now he has some things to think about. He won’t hurt Grayson if he can help it and he also doesn’t want to hurt Billy. But he knows that he will. Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe Billy is still in the same headspace he was in before and the blonde will continue to remind him that they’re not falling in love. It occurs to him that maybe they were destined to find each other, to help fix each others’ broken hearts. Three damaged boys seeking redemption and rescuing together in their fight to escape their own personal hells. He rubs a hand over his face. He’s going to do this right. He’s going to fix things and make sure that nobody gets hurt on his watch ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve's chapter is NEXT! And no... it's not pretty....


	5. January - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wakes up in a strange place and he thinks that things might be getting a little better. He's so very wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Steve chapter. As always, please be careful reading it. There are some mentions of self-injury in this. It's not a lot, but the reasons for it are really freaky to me, but only because I have a fear of spiders. They're not real spiders. Just... ugh, I can't even talk about them. Anyway, it's like... one sentence. 
> 
> Also, the villain I most like to hate is in this one. Sorry, not sorry.

Steve is groggy so often. He remembers wanting to get away from strangers. He saw Billy and he wanted to stay with him. He remembers Billy trying to save him and even though he still doesn’t want to be saved. He remembers that Billy said he’s happy now… that he’s changed. And Steve thinks that’s nice and he thinks he’s happy for him, but he forgets what that emotion feels like. 

But then he finds himself in an ambulance and he feels a quick pain in his arm and then he knows nothing. And now he’s fuzzy again. He looks around briefly at the room. It’s white. Everything’s white. Even his sheets and his pajamas are white. He’s been told that it’s so they can see if he’s trying to dig into his skin. He closes his eyes and tries to think hard. He thinks he remembers something about his fingernails in his skin… the shouts as someone slams open the door… hands grabbing him… blood splattered on the white… someone said ‘stitches’ and Steve wondered if that’s what it was. He tried to tell them there were spiders in his skin. He tried to tell them that he had to get him out, that he was pulling them out by their legs. But then there was that small pain and then nothing. 

A few days later, he’s back in the corner again and this time his bandages are unmovable on his arms. He sits and waits for someone to bring him food and he always behaves. He doesn’t move until they leave and then he crawls over and eats. He doesn’t like to stand because then they might see him. He can’t be seen. If they see him then they can hurt him. So he stays low to the floor. Sometimes the food makes him sleepy and when he wakes up, he feels clean as if he’s been freshly washed and the little pull down toilet in the wall is clean and his bed is made. But now, he’s back in the corner. He’s clean and he’s relaxed and he thinks he can get used to this. He doesn’t mind looking at the white surrounding him. He pretends to paint mental pictures of horses and sunshine and wildflowers and anything else that he can remember having before he was sent away. 

When the door opens, he frowns. It’s not time for a meal. He’s learned to tell by the feeling in his stomach and he’s certain he just ate. He’s still a little off from whatever they gave him earlier and he looks up and gasps. He pushes with his bare feet into the corner as hard as he can even though there’s nowhere to go. “No… no, no…. No, you’re not here. You’re not _real_!”

Neil Hargrove smiles at him. “I’m real, sweetheart. And I’m your ticket out of here.” He steps aside as the doctor comes in and smiles at Steve.

“Steven, your father called and asked that we release you to your uncle’s custody.”

Steve shakes his head. “He’s not my uncle! He’s not related to me! He’s a monster! You can’t let him take me!” He tries to cover his head with his arms, certain that if he waits long enough, the nightmare will end. 

Neil sighs. “His father said he might be this way. I didn’t believe how sick he was. Once I get him home, he’ll be better, I’m sure.”

“Mr. Harrington donated a lot of money to this hospital to make certain that his son’s presence here was kept secret. He’s not unhappy with us, is he?”

Neil waves off the question. “Of course not. The donation is yours. I spoke with him and convinced him that it was in his best interest to let me look after him. It took some persuading, but he agreed finally.”

The doctor narrows his eyes. “Persuading?”

Neil grins. “Well, my nephew deserves to be cared for by people who love him and my brother… he only cares about his good name. So I told him that if he insisted on having strangers be with him, I’d just let it slip that he was here. Now, it’s not personal. I’m sure that you’re taking good care of him. But… he deserves to be around me and my wife and daughter.”

The doctor seems more relaxed then. “Your wife and daughter are familiar with him then? I will tell you that he can get very violent, but only toward himself. He seems to be careful with us. He apologizes a lot, even if he barely bumps one of us while we’re giving him medication. He really seems like a very sweet boy.”

Neil nods. “He is. He’s a very very sweet boy. Unfortunately, his father convinced him that my family and I had forgotten about him. We never did. How could we? So… if you can get him ready? I think sedation would be best. I don’t want him to get scared and hurt himself.”

The doctor looks at the clipboard again and is impressed by all of the paperwork and that it’s completely in order. “Mr. Harrington did say the same thing. He asked that he be sedated as often as possible. I’m afraid we did not comply with that unless we were going to do anything that could have frightened him. Like I said, he’s a good kid who clearly has been through a lot. I tried to get him to talk to me, but-“

Neil turns. “Did he? Did he talk to you about anything?”

The doctor mistakes Neil’s paranoia for fierceness. “No, I’m sorry. He barely spoke other than to apologize. In his nightmares, he only screams. No words. Just screams.” The doctor shakes his head to clear it of the memories of the painful cries. He motions for the nurses to come in and watches as they sedate Steve. With help, the boy is taken to Neil’s car and placed inside. “He’ll be out for at least a couple of hours. Will that be enough for you?”

Neil nods. “I’m sure it will. You have his prescriptions, correct?”

The doctor nods. “It’s all in the bag that I gave you. He didn’t really have any personal belongings.” He gestures toward Steve. “I put some names in there, also. A good therapist and doctor who can fit him in a few times a week. I thought it might be good for you to have some help. They’re expecting your call. I reached out and pulled some strings when his father called. They’re right near Hawkins so you should be all set.”

Neil smiled. “Hawkins… yes, we’re heading there now.” 

Neil pulls away and watches the doctor in the rearview mirror. He turns off and wonders if the doctor even knows how stupid he is. Yes, the blackmail over Harrington had been real, but only so Neil could keep the boy for himself. Now that he has nobody to trust in Hawkins, he decides to take Steve to his new home. It’s a nice house with a pool and an indoor gym and rec area. There’s even a wine cellar, but he’s cleared that out for Steve. It took a little while. He would have been there to get his boy sooner, but it had to be perfect. Even Steve’s father is under the impression that he’s taking the boy to the Harrington house. He grins. Yes, he is taking his boy home. And he’s looking forward to spending a lot of quality time with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that's it for Steve for the moment. I'll be going back and forth for the rest of this probably. I wasn't going to. I was going to make this all about Billy, but it didn't feel right to me. I really want to keep Steve going with Billy as far as the timeline. In fact, I might add one more Steve chapter. I have so much of this written, but it's all in pieces. I write what comes to me at the moment. I already have the end of it written. LOL. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this poor excuse of a fic. It's so sad and miserable, but I'm trying to get it to turn VERY slowly into something nice.


	6. End of January - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve settles into his new home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for some violence and mention of very non-graphic rape. 
> 
> Most of the dialogue from Neil comes from a really neat prompt list I found on Tumblr by pretty-face-breaker. I don't know exactly how to tag appropriately, but if anyone knows this person, please let them know that they were an inspiration that got me writing again. Hopefully using the prompts is okay. :)

Steve feels the danger around him as he struggles to open his eyes. It feels as if there are lead weights holding them closed and he moans as the feeling starts to overwhelm him. He takes a deep breath and tries to relax. He still feels the tension in the space around him, though, and he tries not to whimper in fear. He stretches just a little and nearly screams when he feels the weight on his ankle and hears the rattle of a chain. He takes another deep breath and finally is able to open his eyes. He frowns and looks around. Once his eyes are able to focus, he can see shelves on the walls of the fairly large room that can only be the remnants of a wine cellar. There’s a small bed nearby and plenty close enough for him to rest comfortably on while chained. He can see through a doorway next to him there is a very simple bathroom. No door, but he supposes that he should just be grateful for the ability to shit and shower. 

He doesn’t have to look to know that he’s not dressed. He feels a chill creep across his skin and he closes his eyes and remembers the voice… the sight of Neil Hargrove. He gasps in a few sharp breaths, trying not to scream in fear. There’s no reason. He’s in a wine cellar in a house that’s probably nowhere important and he’s never going to find a way out if he doesn’t keep it together. He finds it difficult to keep his mind focused, though. He wants to fall into a place where there’s nothing. No feeling. No anything. But there is always Billy… Always there in his memory, begging him to live. It’s odd that Billy is the one who came for him. Especially since Billy was the one who started all of this.

He turns as the door opens and stays seated on the floor, hoping that he can figure out what Neil’s angle is so he can use it against him. But he doesn’t have time. Neil is on him in an instant and slams him to the floor, a gun to his head. “Give me one good reason I shouldn’t splatter your brains all over this floor.”

Steve’s mouth opens and closes as he’s unsure what to say or what he did wrong. He attempts to speak, but ends up sobbing. 

“You’re pathetic. You tried to kill yourself… deny me what’s _mine!_ I should kill you for that.” He sighs and gets up. “Stop crying.” 

Steve gasps a few times, trying to get air into his lungs. He can still feel the weight of the gun pressing against his temple. “Please… please don’t… don’t hurt me.”

Neil walks over to one of the wall shelves and places his gun there carefully. He turns back toward Steve and squats down next to him. He strokes his cheek. “Don’t beg me for mercy, Stevie. Beg me to hurt you and then I might show you some of that mercy you want so bad.”

Steve frowns and shakes his head. “What? No… no, what are you talking about?”

Neil backhands Steve hard. “Beg me to hurt you!”

Steve hits the floor and tastes the tang of his blood in his mouth from where his tooth cut into his cheek. “I.. I don’t understand.”

Neil sighs and reaches out for Steve as the other boy jerks away. Neil grabs Steve’s chin and grips it hard enough to bruise to force him to look at him. “Such a pretty face…” He grins evilly. “It’ll be prettier when I’m finished with it.” He shoves Steve away and then stands up. “I’ll get you some food. Eat it all and I might let you sleep tonight. Don’t eat it and I’m fucking you with one of the wine bottles I pulled out of here. Got it?”

Steve shudders and nods slightly.

Neil growls. “Use your words!”

“Yes… yes, I got it.”

“Yes, I got it…”

Steve frowns in confusion, but then realizes what he wants. “Yes… I got it, sir.”

Neil smiles then. “Such a good boy.” 

He turns and walks out after taking the gun, leaving Steve to collapse in on himself and let out the sobs of fear he’s been holding in. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Steve soon learns that his food is usually laced with a sedative in the evening. He guesses it’s so Neil can sleep without worrying about him trying to escape. Not that he would. Neil’s made mentions several times of hurting those who mean something to him. He also mentioned something about Billy and his seduction of his own father. Steve doesn’t believe it, but starts to think that maybe there was more to Billy’s anger than just being a jerk. He starts to worry that maybe Neil did things to Billy, too, but he pushes it out of his head more often than not because it just upsets him and he doesn’t have the energy for it. 

The beatings happen often and he’s gotten used to Neil’s moods. There’s usually three of them. Either he comes in and ignores Steve completely. He drops off his food and water and leaves, no words. No conversation. Just basic needs being met. Steve was scared of that at first. He kept waiting for Neil to snap. But that rarely happens. When Neil is angry, there’s no hiding it. He slams open the door and attacks. Steve finds his head snapped back pretty quick with the punch that comes first. It doesn’t take long before he starts fading away and when darkness takes him, it’s a blessed relief. He almost always wakes up alone, sometimes cleaned up. Usually not. He finds it’s usually in his best interest to stay still and let sleep take him again if possible. Moving tends to send pain shooting through him. More often than not, that pain also shoots from his ass to his back and he knows what Neil must have done to him while he was out. He lets himself cry then, but also tries to be grateful that he can’t remember. It doesn’t do him much good, though. 

And then there’s the mood he’s in right now. Steve is still recovering from the beating earlier in the day. Today is nice because there’s no pain shooting up his back. Today Neil has not been in the mood to rape him and Steve can only try to be happy about that. He can barely see out of his swollen left eye and he flinches when Neil grabs at his face and tilts it up. “There… Perfect.”

Steve watches as Neil backs up and then pulls up an object that Steve hadn’t noticed until now. His eyes widen when he recognizes it. 

Neil holds up the device and grins. “Smile for the camera, baby. I want to remember you like this. I want to send some pictures to the people you care about if you cross me. But you won’t do that, will you? You’ll be a good boy and do what I say.”

Steve nods. “I’ll… I’ll be a… a good boy, sir.”

“ _My_ good boy.”

Steve bites his lower lip to stop the tears and takes a breath. “I’ll b-be your good boy, sir.” He keeps flinching as the bright light flashes in his eyes over and over again. It seems to take forever, but he knows it’s only a minute or two. He glances up to see Neil looking at the instant photos. 

Neil smiles. “You’re beautiful in these. Absolutely beautiful.” He looks at Steve. “I’ll let you sleep tonight. I think these pictures will suffice for meeting my needs.” He walks out and shuts out the light, plunging Steve into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the next chapter will be Billy. I'm trying to keep the chapters short and sweet so I can get them up faster.


	7. March - Getting help - The boys...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy has had enough of all of the bullshit and decides to finally do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone. Life happened. Covid happened. After effects happened. I am NOT okay yet, but this fight is wearing me down and I need a pick-me-up. So I'm writing again. My hands haven't really allowed it for months, but now I can do it. And my computer broke down completely. Full on died. And it took all of my writing as a sacrifice. That hurt. So I gave up. But I'm back because whatever I wrote... the idea is still there so I'll keep up writing to get it out of my head and onto the screen. Thanks for anyone who is still following this.

Reese opens her eyes as her phone rings. She enjoys these small naps in her office, but there’s nobody out front at the moment so her phone manages to wake her up a little earlier than she would have liked. She picks it up, not wanting to miss anything important. 

“Hello, Reece Lawrence speaking.”

“Reece? Reece, it’s Billy Hargrove. I… I need to talk.”

She frowns, as she usually doesn’t talk to her clients unless she’s in her appointments with them. “Did you need to change an appointment?”

She almost thinks he hung up with as long as it takes him to answer. “No. No, I need to make a new one… and _additional_ one, but I need you to be okay with it.”

Reece listens and feels her heart break as the young man who has been working so very hard explains what the problem is and how he wants to fix things. After a few moments of back and forth, they finally come up with something that Reece is comfortable with. 

“Thanks, Reece. See you next week.”

“See you, Billy.” 

She hangs up with him and then stares at the phone for a moment. She sighs and then picks it up again and dialing, smiling when she gets an answer. “Hey sis… I need to ask you a favor….”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle walks into the coffee shop and wishes he could stop wringing his hands. He misses Billy so much. It hasn’t been very long, but it’s been long enough that he is starting to wonder if anything will ever be the same. He knows that Billy has changed all of his classes so that he’s not with either him or Grayson. And Grayson has been avoiding him, too. Somehow he’s ended up staying back at his dorm room, but that’s not fun since Jacob glares at him every time he sees him. He knows Grayson is still in his dorm room that he shared with Billy, but he has no clue where Billy disappeared to. Jacob was kind enough to tell him that Billy is still in school, even if he’s not in the same classes. 

But last night, he’d returned to his room and Jacob had been there with a note. It was from Billy and it asked him to meet at the coffee shop if he wanted any chance to make things right. He’s not really sure what that means, but he’s more than willing to do what it takes to find out. He sits down at one of the tables and glances toward the back. He’s been to the meetings, hoping beyond hope that Billy would be there, but there was nothing. His conversation with Grayson about the whole thing had blown up in his face so he’s basically alone. 

He glances up when he hears the door open and frowns when it’s just another student, this one wearing some hideous green sweater. He frowns, thinking he should know why this fashion sense has taken over almost everyone on campus. It isn’t until one of the waitresses walks past with glittery shamrocks bouncing up and down from her headband that he remembers that this is St. Patrick’s Day. He sighs and notes that it must not be horribly long since he saw the guys. Still, it seems like an eternity. 

He doesn’t bother looking up this time when the bell rings. He knows he should get something to drink, but he decides that his stomach is already in knots so he doesn’t want to take the chance. 

“Kyle?”

He looks up in surprise. “Grayson?” He stands up and isn’t sure whether to hug the other man or back away. “I… I didn’t um… I mean… hi.”

Grayson shrugs a shoulder, obviously also uncomfortable. “Uh… yeah, hi. Look… I don’t mean to tell you how to live your life or anything, but… you might not want to be here much longer.”

Kyle frowns. “I’m meeting someone. I can’t… I can’t just leave.”

Grayson looks away and then back. “Look, I don’t want to upset you, but… I’m meeting Billy.”

Kyle sits down, stunned. “But… _I’m_ meeting Billy.”

Billy is there suddenly, neither man having heard him approach. “Both of you are meeting me actually.” 

Grayson steps back and stares and has to wonder if Kyle is doing the same. “Wow… you look….”

Kyle clears his throat. “Good… you look good.”

Billy gestures for Grayson to join Kyle sitting at the table and then sits, also. He runs his hand through his short hair and it curls softly at the top of his head, leaving plenty to catch in his fingers. “Look, I’d like you two to go with me… to a therapist.”

Grayson and Kyle exchange a glance and Grayson leans forward. “What are you talking about? I haven’t seen you for nearly a month and now you show up and just-“

Billy interrupts. “Yeah… I show up and just. You coming or not? I want to work on things and if you don’t, fine. If you do, then let’s get to work.” He stands and heads out the door. 

Kyle looks over at Grayson. “I haven’t seen him, either. So he just shows up and….”

Grayson nods. “Yup.” He stands. “Look, I don’t know what’s really going on, but I know that I can’t keep going this way. If Billy thinks that this will help… I guess it can’t get much worse. You in?”

Kyle sighs, wishing he could understand these guys better than he does. “Yeah… yeah, I’m in.” 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Rory Lawrence arches a brow at the young woman in front of her. 

“Do you really think that Russians are going to kidnap you? I mean… there’s really no evidence to-“

“You don’t _need_ evidence when you’re talking about Russians.” The sandy haired girl leans back in her seat. “I mean… if they were real. I get it. I really think I get it. It’s just nightmares and shit. Russians don’t really exist.”

Rory sighs. “They exist… They just…” She pinches the bridge of her nose. “Can we just be done today?”

The young woman grins. “Hey, you’re the one who asked how my apartment search was going.”

Rory laughs. “Yeah, but I didn’t think I’d get to hear the great big story of Russian spies who use jazzercise to recruit puppets for the Felt Invasion. That’s what you called it, right? Felt Invasion?”

Robin grins. “You love this shit. Anyway, the short answer is that I found an apartment. I’ve loved seeing you for this whole time. I couldn’t have gotten through my creative writing program without you letting me vent all of my ideas to you.” She stands. “And you were…. So good with me when my parents got kind of shitty about… well, you know. Heather is good people and now I feel like I’m really accepted. And we are officially moving in together and I think I can take a break from therapy.”

Rory shakes her head. “I’m going to miss you, Robin. You have come so far. I wish you all the best.” She gets to her feet and shakes the other girl’s hand before walking her to the door. She opens it and then closes it and sits down to finish up her notes. 

Robin walks out just as the door to the waiting room opens and three men walk in. She knows one immediately. “Kyle?”

Kyle blinks a couple of times and frowns. “I’m so sorry. I know that I know you, but…”

Robin waves him off. “It’s been awhile. Robin. I met you at a… meeting.” 

Kyle smiles. “Of course.” He motions to the other two. It’s fine. They know me.” 

Grayson sits and ignores the two of them. He’s nervous and he’s not sure how to handle that at the moment. He glances at Billy, but knows he’s not going to get much out of him. Billy has been gone for weeks. He knows that something happened and that it was bad. Kyle had tried to talk to him and it sounded as if he broke things off with Billy, but somehow it had injured the blonde horribly. And Grayson was so angry at Kyle. They were friends. They were a team. And then Kyle did something stupid, whatever it was, and it all fell apart.

Once Kyle is finished catching up with Robin, he tucks the paper with her number into his pocket and sits down, keeping at least once chair between him and the other two. When the door opens, he looks up and takes a deep breath. 

The short Hispanic woman smiles at them warmly. “Billy?”

Billy stands. “Yes, hi. I’m Billy.” He looks at the others and gestures to them as he introduces them. “This is Grayson… and Kyle.” He swallows. “We’re here for the appointment. Reece said you’d be able to help us.” 

Rory nods, remembering the call she’d received a few days ago from her sister-in-law. “Yes, she sent me some basic information. Won’t you all come in?” She walks back in and settles down in one of the four chairs in the corner of her large office. “Sit wherever you’d like.”

She watches as each man takes a seat in a chair with nobody going near the sofa. She looks at them once they’re settled. “Okay, let’s get started…”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

An hour later and everything has been signed and explained to the best of her ability. She leans back in her chair. “Okay, so this assessment is a two hour session because family work takes a little longer. After this, we’ll be together from anywhere between 60-90 minutes per session. She takes a deep breath and looks at the information on the papers. “I need you all to understand something. There are no secrets in here. If we’re doing this, we’re going into it eyes wide open. If you’re going to keep things from each other, there’s no reason to be here at all.”

Kyle rubs the back of his neck and looks at Billy. “So… family therapy. Really….”

Billy nods. “Yeah, really. Look, I’m so… angry all of the time and I can’t do that. Reece mentioned once that therapy runs in the family. I guess her brother married her partner at the practice.” He gestures to Rory. “So I was thinking about it and I want… I mean I can’t…” He closes his eyes and bites down on his lower lip to keep it from trembling. “I need you. Both of you. I’ve been trying to figure out how all of this works and how we’re supposed to navigate everything we’ve been through.” He opens his eyes again and looks at them both. “I think we might qualify as a family so… Rory does family therapy and I figured… it’s better than throwing all of this away.”

Rory waits for someone to protest and, when that doesn’t happen, she moves forward. “Okay, I want to hear what you think the biggest problems are in the relationships and also what you want to accomplish here.”

They all exchange looks and then Billy sighs. “The problem is nobody knows how to talk to each other. Kyle and I have been dancing around our relationship and what it means forever and everything got fucked up because he couldn’t make up his damn mind. And neither could I. And Grayson… he’s just there in the middle of it all. Maybe if Grayson had been more open with Kyle… then Kyle could have settled on what he wanted without dragging me through the shit while he tried to figure it out.”

Kyle and Grayson stare at Billy open mouthed until Grayson clears his throat. “Wait… you think this is my fault?”

Billy rolls his eyes. “I never said that. I’m saying that nobody talks. We do what we think is best for one of the two of the others and we make assumptions and… I’m tired of it.” He looks at both of them. I just want to know where I stand with the two of you and… I don’t.”

Grayson frowns. “There are things that I don’t know how to tell you. Things you wouldn’t understand… You would hate me and-“

Kyle scoffs. “You’ve got to be kidding me…” He leans back. 

Rory takes a deep breath. “Okay, this won’t work if you don’t take turns talking and listening to each other. Grayson, what do you think is going on here?”

Grayson looks between the two men and then shrugs. “I think…. There are secrets between us and it’s… it’s destroying everything.”

Kyle looks over at him then. “What are you talking about? I mean… we’ve all been through so much together. I don’t think there’s anything left to hide.”

Grayson shakes his head. “I never told you why I left you… why I ran.” He wraps his arms around himself and hears Max’s voice in his head encouraging him to finally share his secret. He slowly lays out what happened with his brother and the blame he holds for himself over it. He doesn’t know when he starts crying, but he eventually finishes his story by talking about Karen and how he thinks that he somehow deserved to be punished. He talks about the lack of memory and why he wants to scrub his skin off sometimes because he can’t get her out of his mind.

Billy has him wrapped up in a hug quickly. “God, Grayson…. I’m so sorry about your brother. You did _not_ cause that. I didn’t know. Those things I thought about… ending it all… I never knew that you were dealing with this. And then Steve…”

Grayson nods. “Yeah… they kind of look alike and I just… I couldn’t handle it.” He glances over at Kyle. “You made me so happy and I just…. Couldn’t. That’s no excuse for me to hurt you, though… to tie you up in knots like that.”

Billy glances at Rory. “Karen wanted to get revenge on me for some things and she took it out on Grayson. None of us know exactly what happened, but we have an idea. Still, I shouldn’t have left when I did and fallen off the face of the Earth. I should have been there for you these past few weeks.”

“That was my fault.” Kyle reaches over and takes Grayson’s hand. “Grayson… The reason I couldn’t commit to Billy was because I’m still in love with you. And then when I fell in love with Billy, he… he turned me away. He reminded me that I wanted to be with you. I wore him down and finally…” He looks over at Billy sadly. “Billy, when you were finally able to trust me enough to let you into my heart…”

Billy takes a deep breath. “You had already decided you wanted Grayson instead.” 

Grayson looks between the two of them and settles on Billy. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know… I mean I did. Look, it wasn’t just Kyle. I went back and forth, too. When I didn’t want him, he wanted me. When I did want him… he was in love with you.”

Billy shrugs a shoulder and looks over at Kyle. “We went into this for our own reasons. And we got hurt. If I recall, you didn’t want to start anything at all because you knew this might happen. But if I’m being honest… I don’t regret it. I learned so much from you, Kyle. If it weren’t for you and Grayson, I don’t think I’d ever learn how to heal from everything that’s happened.”

Rory sighs softly. “I can already tell you three are going to be great to work with. It seems like my job is just to keep you safe while you talk through your emotions.” She looks at Grayson. “With your permission, I’m going to reach out to your individual therapist and make sure she’s comfortable doing trauma work with you. If not, she and I can work together to find someone for you who can move you forward into a much healthier place.”

Grayson smiles gratefully. “Thank you.”

Billy frowns. “What about Kyle?” He looks toward Kyle. “I think you should tell her what happened to you.”

Kyle pulls his hand away from Grayson then and shakes his head. “It’s not that big of a deal.” At the look from the other two, he shrugs and tells Rory about the conversion therapy, about being homeless and trading some sexual favors for money to get by at times. He doesn’t stop talking, even as Billy puts a hand on his back and rubs gentle circles between his shoulder blades. He finally stops and looks at Rory. “So that’s it.”

Rory nods in understanding. “I have a colleague who has worked extensively with reversing the damage of this so-called conversion therapy. If you’re interested…”

Kyle sits up straighter and nods. “I am.”

Rory smiles. “Good. I’ll have him get in touch.” She glances at Billy. “And, as for you, I know Reece is working with you. I am more than happy to keep working with the three of you. How do you all feel about that?”

Grayson nods. “I don’t want to lose these two. I don’t think I can make it through everything without them. But…” He glances over at Kyle. “I’m not… I mean… I can’t..”

Kyle holds up a hand. “I understand. I think we probably need to get our heads on straight before we even think about exploring all of that. Right now, I just want us to all be okay and I really want to be here for both of you.”

Billy takes a deep breath. “I agree. I was thinking that… it might be a little odd, but… maybe we can move back into the dorm room? We can keep Kyle’s in case we need some time… like after our therapy sessions or something. And once we’re finished with this year, we don’t have to stay on campus anymore and maybe we could get a place together.”

Grayson smiles. “I’d like that. I’ve missed you both so much. It’s been lonely.”

Kyle nods. “I’m game.” He studies Billy for a moment. “By the way…. Where have you been staying?”

Billy smirks. “Remember Mama J?....”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do YOU remember Mama J? She is just making a very quick appearance here. But I thought your imagination could run WILD if you remember her from this story. :)


	8. Steve - March and April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve continues his descent into Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is DARK! Please heed all of the warnings and I updated the tags. 
> 
> There are graphic descriptions of gore and violence and please please please be careful with this one. It's been planned since the beginning of this part of the story and I think that's been guessed. 
> 
> Also, if any part of this story directly conflicts something else, please let me know. With everything on my computer lost, it's possible I am going to screw up a few times. 
> 
> Again, PLEASE be mindful of your own ability to handle gore before you read it. It's nothing compared to some things I've read, but still... be careful anyway.

Steve has learned to beg. 

Neil is pleased. 

It had taken weeks of slow and methodical torture. Small pinches to his groin at first. A needle or two under the skin while bound. Scrapes rubbed with various chemicals until the burning itch nearly drove the boy mad. His favorite is the water torture. The simulation of drowning was a torment that Neil had become very familiar with over his years of research and experience. It was beautiful to see someone in so much pain, desperate to breathe, willing to do anything to escape the agony. 

It had taken a week straight of that particular technique, followed by the threat of castration, and then Steve finally caught on. He finally grasped the idea of what to do to get a smile to spread on Neil’s cruel face. 

At the first whispered _please_ , Neil had hummed in thought. He had studied the younger man and then stepped back, allowing Steve to finally take in a breath. And Steve knew there would be more. And there was. 

That’s how Steve manages to find himself in the position he’s in right now. 

On his knees. 

Mouth stretched. 

Sucking. 

Slobbering. 

And each thrust of Neil’s hips brings more tears to Steve’s eyes. 

And every breath he’s allowed to take is followed with that whispered _please_. 

Until finally Neil gives in and groans low and loud. And the whispers turn to _thank you_. 

And each time, Neil pats his head and tells him _you’re welcome_ and reminds him to swallow it down. And each time, Steve does. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Neil’s not always that kind. Sometimes Steve will wake up being split open and screaming in pain. Other times, he will stay as still as possible because Neil has brought in a knife to hold to his throat. When Steve says please, he always means it. 

“Please.” _Kill me._

“Please.” _Let me live._

“Please.” _Don’t bend me over tonight._

“Please.” _Finish and go away._

“Please.” _Let this be the last time._

“Please.” _Forget to lock the door._

“Please.” “Please.” “Please.”

And Neil hears what he wants. He hears that Steve wants to suck him off. He thinks that Steve is disappointed when he doesn’t get fucked on Neil’s cock. He thinks Steve is begging him to hold out from his orgasm until he gets inside of the boy. He thinks Steve wants him to fall in love with him. He thinks Steve wants to stay forever. 

And when Steve tells him thank you, Neil is certain that he’s being thanked for his cum, for his cock, for everything he’s willing to give the boy. He doesn’t know Steve is thankful that it’s over, that he’ll be allowed to rest, to eat, to live one more day. 

And it isn’t until many weeks of this that Steve’s tearful thank you that comes after Neil pulls out of the boy’s damaged opening means something completely different. And as Neil leaves, Steve stays very still. 

Once the older man is gone, Steve rolls to his side and lifts the pillow where he’d hidden the keychain he had swiped from the pockets of Neil’s pants. 

And he sits up and unlocks the chain on his ankle. 

And he gasps in surprise and hope. 

And he pulls on his worn down pants. 

And sighs in relief. 

And he softly pads over in bare feet to the door and uses a second key to unlock the door. 

And nearly weeps in elation. 

And he opens the door and finds the hallway empty. 

And he runs. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

He realizes quickly that he’s downstairs quite a ways, but he finds the stairs and slowly pushes open the door to find himself in a kitchen. It’s magnificent and his mouth drops open in surprise. His house is a shack compared to this place. The deep cherry wood cabinets and black granite sends an imposing message that this kitchen is no place for the timid when it comes to culinary delights. This is a chef’s kitchen and Steve wonders if the owners of this house would ever set foot in it to make their own meals. 

He closes the door quietly and crosses the kitchen, stopping only to grab a butcher knife from the block on the counter. He freezes as the sound of the blade scraping against the block seems loud in the silence. 

When there is no more sound, he walks slowly toward the doorway and peeks around the corner. He sees what looks like a dining room on one side and a sitting room on the other. He knows that his dining room is a dead end so he heads toward the sitting area. 

Somewhere, a door closes, and he stands alert again, the knife clutched in his hand. He moves sideways, keeping quiet as possible. He can’t pinpoint the direction the noise came from. His head is still a little fuzzy, but he hadn’t eaten the food this time. He’d hidden it in his discarded shirt. It’s the only place Neil never looks because he doesn’t care for Steve to be dressed most of the time. 

Regardless, this is the first time in who knows how long that he has walked any farther than the end of that damned chain. The muscles in his legs are strong, though, thanks to Neil’s torture methods and insistence in how Steve is positioned for whatever sexual torture he uses next. 

Steve puts a hand over his mouth as he feels a sob trying to break loose. Thoughts jumble in his head and he can’t concentrate past the broken bits of hope trying to claw themselves together and the internal voice of _Run… Hurry Hurry Hurry…_

He enters the sitting room and immediately zeroes in on a door down another hallway. He knows it leads to the outside. He can see lights and something that looks like water reflecting them. He’s so close. 

“Steve… what are you doing out of your room?”

He freezes and turns, seeing Neil coming from the dining room area. So, not a dead end after all. He backs up. “No… You… you can’t keep me here!”

Neil takes a deep breath and stands straighter. “There’s nowhere to go.”

Steve turns then and races toward the door. He hears the pounding of feet just as he grabs the knob only to find it locked. He turns and barely dodges as Neil catches up to him. He runs off into another room and sees stairs. He knows it’s a long shot, but if he can only get out of the house…

He heads up the stairs and slips, his bare feet having no purchase on the rich wooden steps. As he gets to the top landing, his sore ankle is grabbed and he screams in pain. He turns and lunges with the knife. The cry from the older man is satisfying and he jerks his leg free, running again, still holding the knife tightly, not willing to let it go unless it’s buried deep inside of his tormentor. 

He runs down another hallway and then another and he has to wonder just how big this house is or if he’s so confused that he’s running in circles. He sees an open door. A bedroom. And a window. He races toward it and tries to pull it up. But it’s locked. He hears Neil calling for him. 

_Oh God oh please oh please…_

He tosses the knife to the side and starts tugging harder, but it still doesn’t give. He grabs the comforter and wraps it around his arm to protect it from the glass. As he backs up, he knows it’s now or never. He braces himself, raises his cloth covered arms and breathes deep. 

And he runs. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

As he’s about to hit the window, his leg is grabbed again and he goes down hard. He fights the clutch of the blanket and the hands clawing at him. He blindly reaches up toward the bed, where the knife is sitting and he screams in horror as Neil’s enraged face comes into view, a slash from his temple to his chin bleeding all over him. 

His hair… his horrible worthless hair that’s grown back becomes his downfall as Neil grabs it and uses it to hold him as he pounds his head into the floor again and again until his hand stops reaching for the knife and his legs stop trying to find purchase to kick. He blinks slowly, trying to figure out which way is up. He sees Neil stand and hears him laugh, as if he’s just had a hard workout and nothing more. 

The next time he knows what’s going on, he’s moving… sliding actually. He sees Neil walking, dragging the blanket behind him. He must have gotten Steve onto it and is using it to drag him somewhere. Steve moans and tries to struggle, but they’re at the stairs and Neil is clearly not in the mood to fight. He grabs Steve by his hair again and tosses him down the stairs as if he’s a rag doll. 

In fairness, that’s about all Steve is at the moment. He can barely feel his arms and legs as his head pounds out a mantra of confusion and dizziness. His vision swims and he wonders if he’s managed to get another concussion. It doesn’t surprise him. He knows he’s vulnerable to head injuries now more than ever due to the large number of them. He half hopes that he bleeds out at this point. He was so close. He wracks his mind to figure out how he’s screwed up. 

But he already knows. He should have snuck around the house to _find_ Neil, not _avoid_ him. Or he should have gotten the knife and gone back downstairs. He should have gotten fucked again and then slipped his hand under the bed, picked up the knife and attacked. 

His mistake was not being every bit the monster that the people who used to love him thinks that he became. His mistake was not being ruthless and uncaring. Escaping can’t be the goal anymore. Killing Neil… that should have been the goal. 

But it’s too late. He knows that Neil won’t be as careless anymore. It’s over. His one chance is gone forever and now this is his forever. This is his life. 

He doesn’t know when he starts sobbing, but during that time Neil has made it down the stairs. He gets a kick in the gut as punishment and nearly throws up as he curls in on himself. 

“You know, Steve… I’ve been so good to you. And then you disrespect me and you know… that just can’t go unanswered.” He kneels down and forces Steve to look at him. “Can it?”

Steve chokes back another sob. “No… No, sir.”

Neil stands and grabs Steve’s hair again, slowly dragging him toward the basement stairs. “Now… what should we do about that…”

Steve reaches up and holds onto Neil’s wrist as hard as he can, the pull on his scalp made even more painful by the head injury. He’s actually grateful when Neil slowly pulls the boy down the stairs instead of throwing him down them as he had earlier. 

At the bottom, Steve fights a little too hard for Neil’s liking and another struggle takes place. Steve manages to get a good kick to Neil’s knee and actually scrambles up a step or two, but then he’s thrown to the floor and Neil is on top of him, hitting him, straddling him. Like father, like son. 

As he struggle to stay conscious, he notices that he’s not being dragged toward his room in the wine cellar. He’s being taken to another area of the basement. It’s actually a rec room of sorts. And it looks nice and comfortable and he wonders if Neil’s going to move him into this place now for some reason. But instead of stopping, they walk through and he’s in a laundry room. But they keep walking and he sees a bathroom on the other side. It looks like one of those fancy ones, with a jacuzzi tub. 

He gets shoved and it catches him off guard. He slams into the far wall and slides down. He puts a hand to his head. “Please… I’m sorry. Please…”

“Shut your mouth, Harrington!” Neil stands in front of him, his hands balled into fists. “I gave you so much and you treated me like garbage. You’re _nothing!_ Do you understand me?” He sighs. “You know… I got this house for you. The couple who lived here… I didn’t care about them. I only wanted you to be happy.”

Steve looks up at him in fear, only the light from the laundry room giving him the ability to see the older man in silhouette. “Couple… Oh God… you killed them…”

Neil shakes his head. “No, you did. I kept them in that room over there. It was nice. I treated them well, too. But you know… you just wouldn’t stop screaming. And they asked about you and worried about you and they just… they wouldn’t stop asking me their fucking questions so… I told them.”

Steve starts to shake. “Told them?”

Neil nods. “I told them what a whore you are. I told them that you love sucking me off, how you beg so pretty. I showed them our pictures. And then… I guess it was too much. Two nights later, the old bitch just… stopped breathing.”

Steve starts to gasp as the reality of this hits him. He’s in someone else’s home and they can’t get help for him because they’re prisoners, too. “Someone… someone will miss them.”

Neil shakes his head. “They’re retired. Supposed to be traveling the world for six months. Undisturbed. It’s supposed to end this summer with a huge anniversary party in the gardens outside. Even if the family worries about them, the caretaker is making sure to relay that he’s getting weekly check ins from them with any instructions about the home.”

“Caretaker?” Steve feels hope flair again. 

Neil grins. “Well… the old man really liked the idea of helping a fellow veteran out so… here we are.” He holds out his arms as if presenting a grand prize and Steve’s heart sinks. 

“You said the woman died?”

Neil nods. “Yeah, guy said she needed heart medicine, but whatever… I’m not an errand boy.”

Steve covers his face with his hands and grieves for the woman who was also a prisoner here, even if he didn’t know her. “And… and her husband?”

“I could have let him live, but… he just kept holding her and crying and it went on and on and… Well… okay, I guess he was indirectly your fault, too.”

Steve looks up at him. “What did you do?”

Neil squats down. “See, the thing about bodies is that they take time to disappear. But… you add the right chemicals together…”

Steve takes a moment and finally really takes in his surroundings and now he can smell it. The cloying scent of chemicals and rot. He hadn’t noticed it before in his shock and fear. “No…”

Neil nods and stands up again. “Yeah…” He flips on the light switch outside of the door and the bathroom is suddenly flooded in white light. 

As if not in his control, Steve’s head turns toward the large tub and sees a man leaning back, his mouth and eyes open, a red hole right in the middle of his forehead. “Oh God…”

“I let him hold her one last time and then I just… ended it. Don’t worry. This happened a day or so ago. The chemicals are being vented.” He points toward the ceiling and Steve can hear the whirring of a fan. “From where you are, I’m guessing you can’t see much. Lots of melting… you know. Once the bones are clear, I’ll deal with it so there’s not much to find. The guy, from the chest down… well, that’s not pretty. But I couldn’t fit both of them completely down in so…. Guess we’re doing this in pieces.”

Steve starts to sob brokenly. “Oh God… I’m gonna die.”

Neil looks concerned. “What? No… No, baby… I’m not going to kill you. You’re mine, remember?”

Steve starts to rock back and forth. “Why are you showing this to me?”

“Because I need you to understand what I would do for you. I need you to know that I deserve respect. I’m being so _good_ to you and you just… you don’t get it. But… you will.” He takes a few steps backward. 

Steve glances over at the bodies again and then tries to pull himself to his feet. “Wait…”

“Sorry, Steve.” 

The door slams in Steve’s face then and he starts pounding at the door, “No! Please don’t leave me here! Please!”

Neil’s voice is loud from the other side of the door. “I’ll be back in a few days. The water in the sink is good enough for you. The fan should vent the fumes well enough to leave you just shy of the level of sickness that would dehydrate you. And if the nausea hits… well, you’ve got the toilet. Don’t take a bath, though.” He laughs. “When I get back, that wine cellar is going to feel like a fucking palace and I just bet that you’re never going to run again.”

“I won’t run! I promise! Please let me out!”

“Tell you what… since you beg so pretty, I’ll do you a favor.”

The lights go out. 

“No!”

Neil chuckles again. “You’ll learn, Steve… You’ll learn.” 

Steve isn’t sure how long he pounds at the door. He only know that at some point, he has no more voice and the slickness running down his hands has the metallic smell of blood. He ends up lying on the floor as far away from the tub as possible, which thankfully is pretty far. He refuses to get up and eventually pisses himself, the urine soaking into the mat on the floor. 

He can’t see anything. There is no light for his eyes to adjust to so everything is only pitch black nothingness. 

But he can hear. Past the sound of his own breathing and past the sound of the fan, there’s something else. It takes a bit, but then he knows in horrifying reality that he’s hear the flesh of the couple in the tub being eaten away. Sometimes there is a sizzle, sometimes the slide of something slimy that plops into liquid. Sometimes it’s just the slide and then nothing and Steve wonders if it didn’t break free all the way and waits to hear if it finally does. Even though it’s dark, his mind conjures up the image and Steve can’t stop it. Can’t push it away. 

So he watches as his mind puts together the sight from before with the sounds from now and forces him to watch the chemical decomposition of a nice old couple who just wanted to celebrate their anniversary this summer. 

And his mind takes all of it in. And everything that Steve is, everything that makes him truly _Steve_ can’t take it anymore. 

And he runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me. I have a fun Boys chapter next... Promise. Hardly any angst! Well... not as much as usual. :)


	9. Spring Break - The boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three boys get away for some much deserved rest and relaxation. 
> 
> Kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me....

Billy stretches and opens his eyes, the warmth comforting him as he rejoins the land of the living. He looks over to his side at Grayson and Kyle. “Hey there, lazy bums…”

Grayson glances over from the book he’s reading and lowers his sunglasses. “Seriously? You just slept for like… an hour.”

Kyle laughs as he finishes toweling off. “I think both of you are lazy. What’s the point of being at the beach if we don’t get in the water? I’ve been back and forth out there all day.”

Billy nods toward him as he sits up completely. “Yeah, you can tell. Let’s get some lotion on you or you’re going to look like a lobster tomorrow.” 

Kyle rolls his eyes and sits between the other two. “Okay, but will you two please go with me now?”

Grayson shakes his head. “Forget it. I’m too pale. I’ll burn immediately. Billy’s your best bet. I don’t think he’s capable of burning.”

Billy slathers on the lotion, making sure to get every inch of Kyle’s back and shoulders while instructing Kyle to do the same for his chest and face. “I can’t believe we’re here. Honestly, it’s not California, but it’s better than nothing.”

Kyle laughs. “Spring Break in Florida is like… a tradition.” He looks around at all of the people on the beach and sobers. “Can you believe we’re all here? Together?”

Grayson puts his book down and reaches over to take Kyle’s hand. “Hey, how about a quiet night in tonight? I think we all need some time to do our weekly check in and we’ve been so busy.”

Billy nods. “I think that’s a great idea. Rory will be proud of us for doing that even while on vacation.”

Kyle takes a deep breath. “Yeah… yeah, I think I need that. I wasn’t keeping my needs from you guys. I just… don’t think I realized that it _is_ a need.”

Billy ruffles Kyle’s hair. “No problem, handsome. How about you and I rub Grayson down with some of this shit and then drag him out to the water?”

Kyle grins and Grayson is struck by how beautiful he is when the blonde smiles and he can’t help but to play along. “Alright, fuckers. Let’s do this.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy walks out of the bathroom after his shower and sits down on one of the large beds in their room. He looks over at Grayson, who has just gotten back with the pizzas. “Hell yeah. Just need some beer now and we can call this a party.”

Kyle grins as he walks over with a pack of soda. “No drinking, remember? We promised our therapists that we’d use this vacation to enjoy sober fun and relaxation.”

Billy scoffs and takes a soda. “Who agreed to that shit?”

Grayson opens up the pizza. “We all did.” He scoots up so he can recline against the headboard of the opposite bed while Kyle pulls a chair up to sit between the two beds. “Alright, so it’s check in time.”

Billy looks over to Kyle. “Do you want to start?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah… uh… there are things that I didn’t tell you about the conversion center where I was. Not much, but little things.. If you’re both able to hear it, I’d like to.. I’d like to tell you all of it.”

Grayson nods. “I’m okay with it.” He glances at Billy. “Billy?”

Billy shrugs. “Maybe. I just keep thinking about Steve. And I know what Reece has told me. Dealing with the natural consequences of my actions is appropriate. But hearing things about what Steve may have gone through in order to punish myself is not okay. I don’t get to be a martyr. And I don’t get to pretend that hearing about it somehow makes up for anything. And I know that you and Steve both went through this conversion therapy. I don’t know exactly what happened to him. And I think I can hear what you have to say with the understanding that _your_ story is not _his_ story.” He looks down at his hands for a moment and then nods. “Yeah… yeah, I can hear this and focus solely on you. I can do that, Kyle. I promise.”

Grayson smiles. “And remember, if that changes…”

“Then I say the word and it stops so we can find a way to have all of our needs met without infringing upon each others’ right to feel safe.” Billy recites what’s been drilled into his head from day one of their “family therapy” sessions. 

Kyle clears his throat and starts to go into detail about his time in the conversion center. He’s told them bits and pieces throughout the last months, but he’s never gone into such intricate detail. Once he’s finished, he looks up at them and leans back in the chair. “So… yeah, I guess now you both know everything.”

Billy moves toward him, but Grayson puts up his hand to stop him. “Kyle… what do you need from us right now?”

Kyle presses his hands against his eyes. “Hugging is good. I’m pretty sure I’m going to cry.”

The other two instantly move to his side and wrap him up while he cries. There are whispers of praise for sharing his story and also whispers of encouragement and reminders that he’s not alone. Eventually, Kyle pulls back. “Thank you. I’m… I’m good. This helped a lot. I think I was just… really happy today and I needed to remember that stuff so I can make it really clear to my own brain that I’m not there anymore.”

Billy nods. “I think that makes sense. I.. I’ve been having some struggles here and I didn’t say anything. If you want to talk first, Grayson, that’s okay. I don’t know if I can really put into words what I’m thinking right now.”

Grayson smiles. “Sure. I’m actually doing very well. I’ve had one or two thoughts about Morgan and how there are so many people here doing drugs who have no clue how it can destroy their lives. But it’s not my job to save everyone. I can be available when someone wants help, but I’m never going to be guilt tripped into doing something that goes against my better judgment again. I can say no and I can take myself out of the equation. Morgan…” He frowns. “Morgan’s choice was his own. I know he did it because he was sick. Because the addiction had stolen everything about him from me and from himself that could have helped him make a different choice. I miss him. But I’m not going to be defined by his death.” He looks up at them. “I didn’t tell you this and I planned on it, but I needed to keep it private for awhile. Um… I talked to Josh and I told him everything. _And_ I wrote to my parents and asked them to talk with me at some point. They wrote back. I haven’t read it yet. I don’t plan to until we’re home, but… it’s something.”

The boys talk animatedly about their achievements and their growth for a bit until Billy rubs the back of his neck. “Okay. So… this isn’t really a big deal…”

Kyle points a finger at him in warning. “No self-invalidating.”

Billy grins. “Right. I do that a lot. Okay, well… I’ve been having a great time. But there is a part of me that’s been scared since we got here. Actually since we headed down here. It’s like… since I don’t know where my dad is, I feel like he could be anywhere… and _is_ everywhere. I know he’s not. I know that the chance of him being here in Florida is slim to none. But that thought is there in the back of my mind. And when I talk to the others… they still haven’t seen Steve. All they know is that he’s at whatever fucking mental facility they took him to, but there’s no proof. There’s nothing. He could be in Antarctica for all they know. I promised him that I’d get him back and I didn’t do anything.”

Grayson shakes his head. “No, you’re not in a position to do anything helpful. You need to let Hopper handle this.” 

Billy sighs. “I suppose. But…” He frowns. “No… you’re right. And helping out to assuage my guilt is not what’s best for Steve. Only Steve gets to decide that.”

Kyle smiles. “We’re kind of awesome.”

Grayson holds up his soda. “To the best spring break ever.”

Billy follows. “To the best friends ever.”

Kyle laughs and holds up his soda, as well. “To no more drama!”

The three say their cheers and go back to their relaxed evening. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

_Two days later…_

Billy holds Kyle’s face between his hands. “Kyle… Kyle, look at me. You’re okay. I’m right here with you.” He turns and looks back toward the building. “Shit…” He crushes Kyle to him and rubs his back. “Please, you have to take a breath.” He looks at the building again. “Come on… come on….” 

Kyle takes a deep breath then and leans his forehead against Billy’s shoulder. “This can’t be happening. It can’t. Why? Why here? What are we gonna do, Billy? What… what is Grayson _doing_ in there? I can’t… I can’t be here. Please, can we go?”

Billy nods. “We’re going to go as soon as Grayson comes back, okay? I promise.” He starts rocking the other teen where they’re squatting between two buildings, only a shrub hiding them from detection. He looks around and wonders if they can even get back to the hotel at this point. He’s not sure where they are or even how they got here. All he knows is that Kyle’s falling apart and Grayson acted before he thought and now they could all be in danger.

At the sound of Grayson’s laughter, both of their heads snap up to take in the sight. 

Grayson shakes an older man’s hand and laughs again. They hear him thank the man for the information and then the man is making a sign of blessing over Grayson and the brunette looks so somber. His tight grip on the bag in his hand is the only thing betraying the look of calm and peace on his face. 

Soon he turns and heads out of the yard and the man goes inside and closes the door. Grayson walks past where Billy and Kyle are hiding and makes a quick movement with his hand gesturing for them to follow. 

Billy waits until Grayson is no longer in the sight of the building he walked out of and then he pushes Kyle and whispers at him to go toward Grayson. Then he counts to five and runs the opposite way so he meets them around the other side, also out of sight. Kyle is sitting on the ground, his face in his hands, sobbing. 

Grayson looks guilty as Billy walks up to him. Billy’s face is red, partly in exertion and partly in rage. “What the fuck were you _thinking?_ ” He kneels down next to Kyle, but keeps his gaze on Grayson. 

Grayson frowns. “I know… I’m sorry. By the time I realized what was happening… I was already inside.” He squats down in front of Kyle. “When you told us… I mean when you saw that guy… the one who hurt you at that place… I… I should have asked what _you_ wanted and I didn’t. All I could think about was making him pay and finding out why he was here.”

Kyle looks up at him then, his eyes red. “You’re okay?”

Grayson nods, heartbroken at the pain he caused his friend. “Yeah… yeah, I’m okay. Nobody hurt me.”

Kyle hugs Grayson tightly then as Billy keeps a hand on his back. Billy glances around again, nervous. “Look, we need to get out of here. It’s one hell of a coincidence that on our last day here you happen to see the guy who… well, who put hands on you in that place. But let’s get you somewhere safe and then we can figure all of this out, okay?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah… yeah…” He lets go of Grayson and lets himself be led out of the neighborhood. 

Since Grayson had taken off running and followed the man Kyle pointed out, they hadn’t kept track of where they were headed. Fortunately, they find some tourists to help them find their way back to their hotel. It’s only once they get back to the room and Kyle walks into the bathroom that Billy rounds on Grayson. 

Grayson holds his hands up to placate Billy. “I know. I know I was wrong. Come on, Billy. Don’t tell me you didn’t want to do the same damn thing. And you fucking would have if I didn’t do it first.”

Billy purses his lips together and then lets out a breath and runs his hand through his hair. “Fuck… I don’t know. I certainly didn’t think that _this_ would ever happen.” He sighs and sits down on the bed and looks toward the bathroom. “He was fucking terrified, Gray. And not of that asshole. He was terrified about what that guy might do to _you_!”

Grayson nods and sits down on the other bed. “I get that. I do. I said I know I’m wrong. If I could have changed my mind before I was inside… I would have. Let’s just be grateful that I’m a good actor, okay?”

Kyle walks out of the bathroom and he has washed his face, but his eyes are still red rimmed and he’s pale. He sits down next to Grayson. “I…” He shrugs helplessly. 

Grayson takes Kyle’s hand while Billy takes the other one. “Kyle, I should have waited for you to tell us everything. I am so sorry.”

Kyle nods. “Thanks. I… that means a lot. This is _my_ story, Grayson. I get to decide how it’s handled.”

Grayson nods. “You’re right. You _are_ and I wish I’d waited before acting. I do.”

Billy looks over at the bag. “Kyle, it looks like Grayson has some information that he can share with us. What do you want to do here? If you want us to forget all of it, then it’s done. If you want… to know anything, we can help. If you want to look into revenge, I’m here for that, too.”

Kyle takes another few deep breaths. “I told you about the guy who put his finger… you know…” He groans. “I can talk about anatomy with no problem unless I’m talking about that fucking animal.”

Billy squeezes Kyle’s hand. “Hey, nobody is asking you to talk about things you don’t want to and I’m not about to judge how well you communicate. I’m kind of shit at that, you know.”

Kyle smiles slightly and nods. “Yeah, well… when I saw him, I was… scared. But then I thought that he probably wouldn’t remember me and that’s why I told you. I was hoping that the two of you would help me brush it off.”

Grayson frowns. “And then I go apeshit and chase the fucker down. God, Kyle… I’m so sorry.”

Kyle rubs his thumb over Grayson’s knuckles. “I don’t want to forget it. I was thinking maybe we could get some information and then talk to Rory and Reece or Hopper. If that guy is doing things like that here then… I mean… maybe someone can put a stop to it.”

Grayson reaches for the bag. “Okay, so… I got in by saying I was lost and then I saw these pamphlets about how homosexuality is evil and I played along like I thought it was interesting because I was… well, because I’m really scared for a friend who I think is gay.”

Billy shakes his head. “Fuck, Grayson. You could have been in danger. It sounds like this fucker is still working in the same arena that he was when he met Kyle.”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, he was really cool with me. Made a few gay jokes. We traded slurs and… you know, just that macho bullshit. But I sold him on being really worried about this friend of mine so… so he gave me a bit of a tour and I acted real interested in convincing my friend to come and ‘get help.’”

“Okay, that’s good, but I’m not sure that any of this is going to be enough to convince Hopper that there’s something bad going on there. People have a right to be douchebags.”

Grayson looks down at the bag then. “So… they gave me a couple of books about uh… 'the plague of the gays' and… a Bible.” He glances up at them and the guilt is palpable. 

Billy frowns. “What did you do?”

Grayson looks between the two. “Well, so they give me this bag with the pamphlets and these books and then… I guess maybe they thought… I guess they thought maybe I might want to sign my friend up because they put me in this creepy fucking office.”

Kyle’s eyes widen. “You said they didn’t hurt you…”

Grayson shakes his head. “They didn’t. But… I snooped a little and I found some stuff…” He pulls a ledger, a notebook, and two VHS tapes out of the bag. “I tossed the books in a corner closet and replaced them with these. I just grabbed what I could and tried to get some variety... I just thought maybe we could see if there’s anything on-“

Billy grabs the stuff out of Grayson’s hands. “Do you have any idea what they could have done to you if you’d been caught?”

Grayson looks away and nods. “I know. I’m really sorry.”

Billy shakes his head and gets up. He takes the stuff and puts it in his bag. “Look, maybe we should just… relax tonight. We leave first thing in the morning and clearly we need time to be with each other and help calm each other down from all of this. We’ll look at this shit when we get back if, and only if, Kyle still thinks it’s a good idea.”

Kyle rubs his hands over his face and chuckles, the tension finally leaving him. “Fuck… for all we know you stole the guy’s diary and his copies of Karate Kid and Neverending Story.”

Grayson laughs with him, Billy joining in finally. Grayson lays back on the bed. “I doubt they guy is that interesting. The one who walked me out? It was his office. And he’s not doing anything fun anytime soon.”

Billy grins. “What makes you say that.”

Grayson shrugs. “I guess he’s a priest. Said his name is _Father_ Purcell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... yeah... that just happened.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I love kudos and comments and I also don't need them in order to continue writing as I write for myself and having other people enjoying what I write is just icing on the cake. :)


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